Response to: Should I Date This 19 Year Old?

Lucia,

I can't believe your advice to Nancy. She has to be 40ish and she's dating her 17 year old daughter's friends!  Her older daughter hit the nail on the head.  She is pathetic and embarrassing and can't find guys her own age that want anything to do with her.

I would have asked her why she can't find men in her appropriate age range. She says they have "a lot in common" which certainly shows her level of maturity. But since you see yourself as some type of "cougar" I guess you feel that your advice is warranted as it justifies your lifestyle. 

Maybe Nancy can find a 19 year old for you as well, you should ask her. I should start asking my teenage niece to set me up with her friends as I'm in awesome shape and only 50, if it's all about what makes me feel good, right? I'm sure we'd have lots to talk about. I'm picturing a 19 year old boy on a date, holding hands with someone his mom's age.

The scenario is ridiculous, as well as it would be for me to be on a date with a teenager. I have to wonder what his issues are when he would date someone that old instead of a hottie his own age, but we've all heard of the Oedipus Complex.

Grow up, Nancy. You have two daughters and need to be their role model, not competing for their dates.  R.B.

Dear R.B.,

When people talk about finding love, they use the word soul mate, not age mate.  This is because what we are all seeking is a deep connection on a soul level, and a soul is ageless and timeless.  It doesn’t depend on chronological age.

Antiquated, narrow minded, outdated, unenlightened, useless, irrelevant, non-progressive and judgmental 20^th century thinking such as yours is one of the main reasons older women who are still young at heart and have a child-like spirit, seek the company of younger men.

My motto has always been, “Live and let live”.  I believe you may find life a bit easier if you were to adopt the same attitude.

Should I Date this 19 Year Old?

Hi Lucia,

I have 2 daughters - one 20 and one 17.   I will be going on a date with a 19 year old. The guy I have a date with is good friends with my 17 year old’s ex boyfriend.  

She is very judgmental and not happy about this.  I don't want to hurt her but this guy is very nice, fun, and we have a lot in common.  My daughter is being over dramatic.  I am trying to make her realize we are going on a date, not getting married. She said I am pathetic and embarrassing and that I go out with young guys because I can't get anybody my own age and I do it to make myself feel good.

Well duh, what girl wouldn't go out with someone else to make yourself feel good?  I see nothing wrong with it.  Any advice?  Nancy

Hi Nancy,

You’ve certainly hit the nail on the head. The main reason for doing anything in life, especially choose to date certain people, is because we feel good around them.

Remember that you’re the parent here and you can date whoever you want.  Tell her you’re sorry she’s not happy about it however it’s your decision.  I would not bring him to the house for a while, since it may be awkward.  If you continue to date him for any length of time, she may eventually be more accepting of the situation, and at that point you can “bring him home”.

When Is An Age Gap Too Big?

Dear Lucia,

I’m dating a man who is five years younger than me and not settled in his life yet. He is definitely the pursuer in this relationship – calling me, setting up dates and even surprising me with events for us to go to.  I’m 38 and he is 32 although we don’t look much different in age. Should I stop seeing him because of the age difference?  When does an age gap become too big?  Suzie

Dear Suzie,

You said you don’t look much different in age. This tells me he is probably your first younger man, otherwise, you wouldn’t be so concerned about what you look like together. As long as he treats you well and you have great chemistry, who cares what you look like as a couple?  Your friends will know what the age difference is, so the only people you’re concerned about are strangers. You can’t live your life trying to look good in the eyes of people you’ll probably never see again.  Besides, they’re probably jealous!

Secondly, you mentioned that he is 32 and not yet settled.  These days, a lot of 32-year-olds aren’t settled – male or female. You have to ask yourself some questions: When do I want to be married by?  Do I want to have children?  When?  Is he motivated and working toward security and stability or is he still into behaving as if he were in college? What are his long-term goals?  What are your long-term goals?   If you want to be married within the next 2 years, then you need to ask yourself if he could possibly be "The One."  If not, are you willing to simply stay and enjoy the moment knowing that eventually you’ll have to move on?  Not every relationship has to lead to marriage.

Finally, when does an age gap become too big? Well, six years is not that much of an age difference and will become even less so as you get older. It’s not about age. It’s about compatibility.

In the end, to have a great relationship you need to have two people who appreciate each other and feel lucky to be together, no matter what the age difference may be.  To quote the late Aaliyah, "Age ain’t nothin’ but a number."

I'm a Virgin Cub

Dear Lucia,

I'm a nineteen year old male from England, and for the past year or so I've found myself becoming increasingly attracted to older women. At first I just counted them among the many girls I found attractive and didn't think much more of it, as all young men do, but over time I found myself appreciating their beauty and maturity more and more, and now I feel like it may be time to finally take the plunge and begin dating them.

However, one thing that keeps coming back to me is the idea of cougars as being very sexual beings who want lots of fun and enjoyment in bed. As I am still a virgin, since I prefer to think of sex as something meaningful between two people who care very much for one another rather than as part of a random fling, some part of me feels that I may disappoint them there due to my lack of experience. While that makes me feel a little hesitant about getting involved with an older woman, I also know that I feel more attracted to them than many of the girls my own age. Do you have any advice for me?  Sam

Hi Sam,

I would suggest that you let the woman know sooner rather than later that you are a virgin.  Some Cougars are only seeking sexually experienced men, but a few are willing to "work" with a virgin if they are interested.  Don't be shy or embarrassed.  There's nothing wrong with it and we were all virgins at one point!

10 Reasons to Date a Cougar

What makes older women so attractive to younger men?

Confidence – She knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to let you know.  She means what she says and says what she means.  She won’t freak out if she doesn’t hear from you for a few days. 

Sex – She doesn’t get as emotionally attached as younger women do if she’s having sex with you.  She has a high sex drive.  She’s comfortable with her body.  She knows what she’s doing.  She will rock your world.

Money – She doesn’t need yours!  She doesn’t care how much you make.  She doesn’t care what your earning potential is.  She doesn’t expect you to pay for everything.

No Drama - She won’t call/text you 20 times a day.  She won’t have a temper tantrum or cry easily.  She won’t ask:  Why didn’t you call?  Where were you?  Where is this going?

Life Experience – She’s been around (in a good way) and is socially and sexually savvy.  You will become a man and a better lover as a result of being with her.

More Interesting – She’s lived, traveled and experienced life.  She has a lot to talk about.  Conversation will never be dull. 

No Pressure – She’s generally not interested in having children or getting married.  She’s into having fun and going with the flow instead of trying to get a commitment.

Responsible – She is rarely flaky.  She’s not into wasting her time or yours.  She’s not into games.  You can count on her to follow through and keep her word.

Understanding – She understands your need to win; your need to feel like a hero; your need to feel appreciated; your need to occasionally withdraw.  She understands men.

Total package – She has her act together: mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically and sexually.  She’s the total package.

Interracial Cougar

Hi Lucia,

I am 37 and African-American.  I typically date Caucasian women 5-15yrs older than me.  My conventional wisdom creeps into my head that many older, white women have no experience with interracial dating and this could be a major roadblock to both dating and a strong relationship   I live in the Twin Cities and this is the most diverse city and accepting of interracial relationships that I have seen.

What advice can you give me on how to attract those quality cougars that are open to dating inter racially?   There are a lot of wannabe cougars but clearly they are not in the league of those true cougars.  Many women think because they are older and look decent and date younger that makes them cougars, which it doesn't.

I consider myself a charming, witty, beguiling, confident man but need a few pointers to get me to the next level.  Tony

Hi Tony,

Thank you for pointing out that just because a woman is older and dating a younger man, that she is not automatically a cougar.  I believe a cougar is the Rolls Royce of older women.  She is at the top of her game and has it together mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually.

Since you are in the Twin Cities, it should be easier to find a woman who is open to interracial dating.  If you want a quality cougar, you need to be a quality cub.  This means you look good, have class and manners and of course, are great in bed.

After that, it’s a matter of going to places where an older woman might go and approaching anyone who catches you eye.   If you’re as charming as you say you are, you shouldn’t have any problem getting a phone number!

Classic Cougar

Hi Lucia,

I'm 59, attractive and look 10-15 younger than my years. I was not looking to become a cougar, but a man 22 years younger than me pursued me until I could no longer resist him. Now, six months into our courtship, he wants us to move in together and start building a lasting relationship.

  

We do not depend on each other financially.  We share a real emotional bond and have a wonderful, highly charged intimate life. He is not only a take charge, Alpha male, but he is very handsome and has a great following of young women who would love to be with him. He however, says that in his 37 years, he has not found with anyone else what he has found in me. He already has a child and is adamant that he does not want anymore.

I've never heard of a relationship like ours.   Although we no longer even discuss our chronological difference, I can't help but wonder if a long term relationship is really possible, or if we are destined to be just a fling.

What do you think?  Lucky Lioness


Dear Lucky Lioness,

You are indeed lucky to have found what sounds like a great relationship.  Why ruin it with doubts and fears?   He is the one who pursued you and now wants to move in, so it’s not like you’ve had to chase him and try to pin him down.

However, my advice about the living together is the same as it would be for anyone of any age.  6 months is too short a time to know someone before moving in.  You don’t know enough about each other (you haven’t gone through the “four seasons”) and you’re still high on the newness of the relationship.  I would suggest you wait at least another 6 months and revisit the question then.  

Having said that, I have to tell you that I really don’t believe in living together unless you have a solid commitment, such as marriage or a commitment ceremony.  It sounds great in theory, but the reality of everyday life slowly kills the romance.  If you’re both financially independent, why live together?  You can certainly see each other as often as you want to, but it’s nice to have a place you can go back to that you can call your own.

A Cub Wants to Marry Me

Hi Lucia,

I dated a much younger guy a couple of times about a year ago.   I was attracted to him, our dates went well, but I viewed him as a partying type.

Since our last date, he called me about four times to touch base.  He was having financial problems and had moved out of town.  Recently, he contacted me again after having moved back here.

During this call, he told me he missed me, had been thinking about me for a long time, loved me and wanted to marry me.   I told him that he had not really called me that much over the last year for me to believe that missed me.  He said he had been moving around to get financially on track and he would start calling me again.

The last few days, he has been calling, but it still feels strange.  He talks about making a life with someone, being lonely, not wanting an uncaring or flighty type, and feeling like he wasted the last ten years of his life partying and spending money.   

I’m single and would like to have the right guy.   I don’t want to date anyone who is insincere about me.  It's been a long journey to get to this point and I can pretty much see the guys coming who want the ruby instead of the diamond.  Should I continue to talk to this guy if I suspect this is what is going on?  I am feeling a little cautious about the whole thing.  Cautious

Hi Cautious,

Good for you for listening to your feelings instead of just going with the chemistry.  When trying to figure out what to do, first look at what your gut feelings are, then look at the person’s actions and only then, look at their words.

You are right in being cautious.  His words are totally out of context with his actions.  If you had been dating for at least a year in the same city and then he said he wanted to marry you, that would be one thing, but his marriage talk is currently out of left field.

You can certainly continue to talk to him and go out, but until you’ve been dating consistently for a year or so, don’t take his marriage talk seriously.

My Cub is 23 Years Younger!

Dear Lucia,

I met a young man 23 years younger than myself online playing a game.  We ended up falling for each other 3 months into the game and then 3 months later we met each other. 

We had so much in common even with the age difference.  It was a long distance relationship but we fell in love.  We were together for a year after we met, and then we both started feeling strange about the way people would look at us when we held hands or hugged. 

After a few months, we decided it would be best to just be friends, and it has been so difficult.  I love him so much; want to be with him all the time and I just don’t know what to do anymore. 

Is this normal?  I was married for 25 years and never ever had the type of relationship with my ex that I had and still have with my friend.  We laugh, cry, tell each other things that no one else ever knew.  Can we still keep this relationship alive without the love making and still have the love exist?  We both think we can, but others tell us we are just kidding ourselves.  Cel

Dear Cel,

Welcome to the wonderful world of younger men.  People who have not experienced it for themselves, can’t believe that an older woman would be able to have a strong connection with someone so much younger, but you and I both know better.

As I’ve always said, the reason there can be such a connection is because it’s about energy, not age.  You’re connecting on a deeper, soul level, and of course, the soul is ageless.

If you are in love and want to be together, then go for it.  Who cares what other people think or say? It’s none of their business.  They are simply stuck in an outdated way of looking at things and don’t know how much they’re missing out!

It can be so difficult to find someone you deeply connect with, that when you actually do, you need to follow your heart.

I'm 19 and my Cougar is 41

Dear Lucia,

I am 19 years old and am currently in a physical relationship with a woman who is 41 years old. We do go out to eat and spend time together every now and then. I find myself interested in wanting a more serious relationship.

I understand that plenty of people think the age difference is too large but for someone my age, I have a lot going. I currently work two jobs and attend a very prestigious college. I am earning about 40k a year. It may be enough to get me through school and put away for savings but not quite support her.

She is struggling with expenses and had been laid off and is working at the gym that I work out in. She works behind the counter there and one day we started talking. She kept telling me how she liked my hair.  I thought to myself why not just ask her if she is really interested or just flirting.

We are great friends, have a lot in common, and just love being around each other. I will be starting a fairly good job with Chase Manhattan Bank at the end of this year and will be able to provide for her financially, so finances won't be an issue.

How I go about telling her?  What do you think I should say or do?  If everything works out with her, how do I go about explaining this to my family?  My mother is not the issue being that my father got transferred down to Atlanta so the both of them are far away, but I take care of my grandmother from time to time. She is very traditional and set in her ways and I have a very good relationship with her.

She has helped me pay for school and let me stay at her place until I found the right apartment. I am thankful for everything my grandmother has done, but I don't want anyone to get in the way of my happiness. I want to be sure my family accepts her and treats her well. Any advice or assistance you could give me would be greatly appreciated.  Michael

Dear Michael,

Wow.  Are you sure you’re only 19?  There are guys twice your age who don’t have your maturity, so bravo.

Are you sure about wanting to have a serious relationship with this woman?  You’re not at all interested in “sowing your wild oats”, so to speak?

Even if you want to get more serious, how do you know she wants to?  She may be totally surprised that you are considering moving things to the next level.  Why don’t you have a conversation about where things are headed and see where she stands on all this?  With your maturity level, I know you won’t have a problem finding the right thing to say.

In terms of the finances, I don’t think your lady is expecting you to support her.  As long as you can pull your own weight financially in the relationship, that’s all that matters.

As to your family, why don’t you cross that bridge when you get to it? 

How to Meet a Cougar at the Gym

Hi Lucia,

I see this woman almost everyday at the gym.  I’m 24 and she looks like she could be 35 at the most.  We constantly exchange looks throughout the 1.5 hours we're there. However, it’s like high school where if I catch her, she’ll look away quickly or if she knows I’m looking, she’ll do something sexy in my direction!

I finally found the courage to greet her and ask for her name (outside of the gym for privacy, and no eyes!) as she was leaving to go back to work.   She faced me with the biggest smile and gave me her name (no hesitation).  I gave her mine, shook her hand and told her it was a pleasure to finally meet her and that she was gorgeous!  The smile she had never left her face throughout the conversation, even as she was walking up the stairs as we parted.

How can I tell for sure if she is interested so I can make my move?  Are there any other signs I can look for?  How can I grab her attention/interest more?  Marcus

Hi Marcus,

You’re certainly very observant!  You’ve already made your move.  She definitely seems interested to me.  Now you want to build on that.  Do not ask her out just yet.  You want to build some anticipation.

When you see her, if it’s convenient and appropriate, have brief conversations with her.  That means that if she’s on the other side of the gym, you don’t head over there unless you were already planning on going in that direction.  If she’s talking to someone, don’t stand around waiting for them to stop talking.  Walk by and wave hello.  You don’t want to appear too anxious.

The times you do talk to her, you can observe her body language.  Does she show her teeth when smiling, play with her hair, touch herself (not there!) or touch you on the arm, shoulder, etc.  These are all signs that she’s interested, especially if she touches you.  When women are interested in someone, they want to touch him.  If they’re not, the last thing they want to do is touch him!

You can ask her out after talking with her for about a week or two if she has shown signs of interest and after you’ve confirmed that she is single.  Otherwise, she may be attached and was simply flirting.

Is He Just Using Me?

Dear Lucia,

I have been seeing a guy for about 2 months.   I am 35 and he is 30.  According to him, he is only dating me.  We have never had the "talk" yet we joke around about not being boyfriend and girlfriend.

Normally we talk 1-2x a day, text each other between 5-15x a day and see each other 2-3x a week.

I know that his ex girlfriend broke up with him 5 months ago.  He recently told me that he was dating a woman in her 40s when he met his ex, who is also 30.  He said he broke up with the older woman when he began to fall in love with his ex.

I didn't ask him for how long exactly he was dating his ex before he knew that he was falling in love.  He told me that the older woman went nuts on him and hacked into his email, wrote emails to his ex.and other crazy stuff.

He sounded like he just didn’t understand why the older woman went crazy on him since he, "Never told her that he loved her.”  He said that they had a good time and had fun together.

He loves to come over to my house, he loves to spend the night (if it was up to him, I even think he would move in) and he loves my expensive car. I am now wondering if I am the new older woman until he meets someone to fall in love with.

On our dates he does take me out for dinner and to the movies, but because of our schedules, 70% of the time he comes over later at night, usually between
9-11pm.    We have had a few whole day dates, hiking and biking, but that can still just be considered "having fun".

How can I know if he comes over to my house to see me because he likes me and not just because he has 4 roommates and sleeps on the sofa but I on the other hand have a nice 2 bedroom house?

How can I make sure that he is not just killing time until he finds that new "girlfriend"?  My worst fear is that I get used.  Amy

Dear Amy,

The wonderful yet frightening thing about love, dating and relationships is that you don’t have a guarantee of what is going to happen.  It’s probably better that way because that is part of what makes it exciting.

However, I can certainly understand how you may be afraid of being used.  Whatever you’re concerned that he may be using you for, give him limited access to that and see if he sticks around.

If you want to make sure it’s about you and not your home, then do not let him sleep over all the time.  See how he reacts to that.  If you’re concerned about being used for your money, then make sure you’re not always the one to pay.  If you think it may be sex, then don’t always have sex and see what happens.

Until you know for sure, I would caution you to not get too emotionally involved.  This means that you should not project onto him qualities which you think he has or wish he had. 

It also means that you should not daydream about a future with him.   Live in the present moment.  Your imagination is not your friend at the beginning of any relationship.   Don’t start fantasizing about how great it would be to live together, go to Hawaii or get married.  This will cause the relationship to go off balance and you may be reading more into it than there actually is.

At the same time, keep in mind that 5 years is not that big an age difference, especially these days.  I would barely consider you an older woman.

In the end, only time will tell whether it’s about loving you or using you. 

Is This Cub Too Young?

Hi Lucia,

I met a very, very attractive successful younger man on line who lives in another state. We have passed the last several months talking via phone, email and IM. He has already said he will fly out to visit with me, which I am looking forward to.  He is 26 years old.  Can this really work?  

I tried asking my girl friends and family members but everyone just laughed and said, “No”.  I am a hopeless romantic.  Am I reading too much into this?  Hoping in Florida

Hi Hoping,

There is nothing wrong with being a hopeless romantic, as long as you are also a cautious romantic!  When you ask if this can work, I’m assuming you mean as a relationship.  That will depend on his level of maturity and what he’s looking for at this point in his life.  While some 26 year old men are ready to settle down, most aren’t.

Let him show you who he is.  Are the majority of your conversations sexual?  How hard will he be pushing to have sex when he comes to visit?  If you get the vibe that it’s just about sex, then it is.  A guy who is interested in a relationship will not want to offend you by bringing up sex too soon and too much.

As usual, time will tell.  So just lean back, relax and watch to see if he’s interested in you, or just in sleeping with you.

Bootycall Cougar?

Hi Lucia,

There is this guy who is 26 yrs old and we are attracted to each other. I’m 41. He comes into the salon I work at.  I saw him out one night and we ended up drinking and sleeping together. 

One night he called me to have drinks but it was brief.   The other night he called to see what I was doing. He was kind of buzzed. He came over and we messed around but didn’t sleep together. He kept telling me he wants to take me out on a real date but he is really busy with work He said he would get a hotel for my birthday and we would go out for dinner. 

I don’t know what to believe anymore. I was wondering what I should do about this? I do like younger guys and would like to date them, but it seems all they want is sex. How should I be acting towards this guy?

I think I know what you’re going to tell me I just need to hear it!  Rene

Hi Rene,

How you “act:” depends on what your goal is. Let’s clear up one thing.  All guys want sex, not just younger ones. You’re assuming that all younger guys want from older women is sex. While that certainly may be true for some, it’s not true for all. Some actually do want to go on dates and have relationships.  Most of the time, the ball is in the woman’s court. How you handle his “advances” often determines the outcome. This means that if you have sex right away, as you did,  it will be difficult to change that into a dating relationship.

If you want to date, then as with men of any age, you need to wait and let the guy show his interest by pursuing you.  This easily eliminates the guys who just want sex and are not willing to put in any “work”.

Don’t listen to what he says, but watch what he does. He can say that he wants to take you out, but until he actually does, it’s just small talk.  If you want to date him, then the next time he contacts you, let him know you will be happy to meet him out somewhere.  Don’t let him come back to your place or go back to his.

Dating a Married Cougar

Hey Lucia,

Your outlook and "tell like it is" responses are always so insightful, thank you.  I am a young 29 year old "cub."  I have always been attracted to women older than myself.  They provide an abundance of knowledge, sophistication and assertiveness; all qualities that I find make a woman sexy. 

I recently met a woman who is 39, all of the above and then some.  We work out together, have a lot in common, laugh and never get tired of each other.  We are not intimate and do not go on dates due to her current situation.  Problem is she is separated from her husband, not divorced and has a child.  I respect their family, situation/relationship and that's why I'm just going with the flow.  I'm enjoying the company for what it is and not pressing any sort of progress at all.

She enjoys my company as much as I do hers; it's a really easy flowing relationship.  We do not call each other, but do exchange emails on a regular basis and see each other a few times a week.  We are personal with each other in the sense that we are very open and share pretty much everything about ourselves.  I left the ball in her court as far as setting the pace goes. 

I guess what I'm getting at is I think she is the most wonderful women I have met in a long time.  While the timing is off, deep down inside of me there is hope for something a bit more than a friendship, somewhere down the line.  I've learned from past situations to not set myself up for failure and that's why I'm trying to be casual about it.   What do you think?  Any advice for this young cub?

Hopeful in Houston


Hi Hopeful,

You’re on the right track, but instead of trying to be casual, be casual.  There is nothing wrong with developing a friendship first and seeing if that leads to more once she is divorced.

Of course, there is always a chance she may get back together with her husband, so you have to be prepared for that possibility.

I know you probably don’t want to hear it, but I also suggest that you date other women, if you’re not already doing it.  This will help with not getting too focused on this woman who is currently not totally available.

Other than that, continue to go with the flow and see where it goes.  Good luck!

What Women Want from a Man

Many men attend my classes just to learn how to attract women and really liked them.

Sure, it's easier to believe that it is to decide the fate of all, it's easier to settle for the first passable girl that makes us the wire, and is easier to stay in an unsatisfying relationship. But this is not what I wish to my friends and this is not what my customers want.

In this article we focus on what attracts women. In my courses instead put aside the seduction theory, although important to focus on the practical aspects, namely how to attract women who want.

But now back to the topic of the article: What do women want from a man? What does a woman decide to let go?

A report shorter or longer begins when a woman wants you with her whole being: mind, body and emotions.

This means that many girls would never sleep with a man who makes them feel emotionally uncomfortable, even if they were physically attracted to him. And despite the emotional and physical attraction, these same women may rationally decide to reject a man because they consider it or consider it a "penniless."

How to Approach a Cougar

Hi Lucia,

Like any other young Cub who has entered our seemingly sinful and joyful world of Cougar/Cubs, I find it hard to meet and/or approach older women.  What do I look for to see if a woman is interested in a younger man and what’s the best way to approach a woman in a public setting like that.  Biggie

Hi Biggie,

If you’d like to date a Cougar, the first thing you have to realize is that although the lifestyle may be joyful, it’s not sinful.  If that’s your perception, it will be a big turnoff, so you may want to re-think your perspective.

Approaching a Cougar is the same as approaching any woman, but it’s actually easier, because she will most likely be receptive even if she’s not interested.  Older women understand that it takes a lot for a man to risk rejection in public, so they will try to make it as painless as possible.

After looking to make sure she’s not wearing a ring, strike up a situational conversation.  This means, if you’re standing in line somewhere, ask about the event:  Have you heard if this is a good movie?  Do you know if the eggplant sandwich is good?   Do not start with a compliment, because there’s not much she can say to that except, “Thank you”. 

If she seems receptive to talking with you, ask for her number, saying you’d like to get to know her better.  If she’s interested and available, she’ll give it to you but if she’s not, she’ll have a good excuse.

For more information, check out my new recording:  www.howtocatchacougar.net

Is this Cougar Interested?

Hi Lucia,

I'm 21 years old and recently I thought I was being hit on by an older woman. We talked for a while and she seemed to really enjoy our conversation. She was the one who initiated the conversation, and after a while I assumed she was interested in me. I did get the old "That is so funny!" while she reached out and touched my arm.

A friend of hers came over and made a comment about her talking to me, and she ended up saying something to the effect of "Are you kidding me? No way! He’s a baby!!"  I’m 21 and was absolutely puzzled.

I have no idea how to read an older woman and now my likeliness to approach one has gone WAY down. Is there any way to not embarrass myself in the future? How does a male tell if an older woman is interested without the "I’m old enough to be your mother." answer?  Evan Hall


Hi Evan,

The fact that she touched you is a good sign.  If a woman isn’t interested in a man, she doesn’t want to touch him.

I think what happened is that she thought her friend might not approve, so she pretended to not be interested.  You can’t underestimate a woman’s need to protect her reputation.  The other possibility is that she enjoyed the attention and flirting, but genuinely wasn’t interested.

Don’t give up just because you were shot down once.  Most older women feel a 21 year old is too young, so when you first meet a woman, if she asks your age, say something like:  I’m old enough to know you’re someone I’d like to get to know.  Once you’ve shown her that you are a mature, young man, you can reveal your age.

My Cougar Disappeared

Dear Lucia,

About three months ago I began dating an older woman who happens to be 35 years old.  I am 25.  We've been on a couple of dates since then and have been getting on just great, but in the past month I have not heard from her at all. 

I'm guessing it might just be my insecurities, but I feel that I may have been given the flick!  I've tried getting in contact with via email and by phone but alas to no avail. I've really fallen for this woman.  Ossie

Dear Ossie,

I’m glad you wrote to me, because it proves that older women are not always the ones who are chasing younger men.  More often than not, it’s the other way around!

I don’t have enough information to make an educated guess as to what may have happened.  However, I do know that continuing to try to get in touch with her is just going to make matters worse.

You need to leave her alone.  If she wants to get back in touch, she will. If you really were getting along great, at some point, she will pop up again.