I'm Distraught Over My Cougar!

Hi Lucia,

I'm 25 and dating a woman who is 44.   Someone joked about our age gap and ever since then, she's been very distant. She doesn't talk to me everyday or stay with me like she used too.   I've been very distraught over this and I’ll admit I've cried a few times because I feel she has no idea how much I love and care about her. Tony

Hi Tony,

I’m so sorry to hear you’re so upset.  She’s probably feeling embarrassed and ashamed, even though she’s not doing anything wrong.  Unfortunately, not everyone has a thick skin.

I would suggest you let her know you’d like to see her, even if it’s only in private.  I don’t see why she’d have an issue with that, unless there’s something else going on. 

I would also suggest you email her the link to my blog, so that she can see there are a lot of Cougar/Cub couples in the world who are not concerned about what other people think!  Good luck.

My Cub is Very Shy

Hi Lucia,

I'm 48 and my cub is 22.  We met online and have never met in person. We message each other daily. With men my own age I usually play somewhat aloof and do not accept daily chatter, however this young man is 26 years my junior and admittedly VERY SHY.

How should I treat him?   I don't want to lose him, but don't want to have him taking me for granted.  I also plan on not sleeping with him for 2 months.   What would you advise?

Hi Elle,

He’s 22!  Shy or not, he doesn’t have much life experience, never mind dating experience.  I don’t see this as something that’s going to be a long term thing.  Guys in their early 20s generally just want to have sex.  So, although he should treat you with respect, there’s not a lot you can do to make sure he won’t take you for granted.  In many ways, he’s still a kid.

It’s your choice when you sleep with him, but this is one of the few times when it really doesn’t matter – it’s not likely to change the outcome.  If he doesn’t want to have sex again after the first time, it doesn’t matter how long you waited and vice versa.

Will Cougars Date Teenage Cubs?

Hi Lucia,

Do Cougars ONLY look for 21+ age or will they also go for 18+.  Peter

Hi Peter,

It depends on the Cougar.  Most prefer guys over 21 for two reasons.  The first is so that they will be able to go to bars and clubs with them and the second is because they don’t like the thought of dating a teenager, especially if they have teenage children themselves.

However, there are some who have no problem dating someone who is not yet 21, especially if he is mature for his age.  Only thing you can do is ask!

Thank you!

Hi Lucia,

 

No questions at this time (although the more I date, the more I seem to have-LOL), but I just wanted to take the time to thank you for all you do for we mature singles out here in the dating world today.  I think you provide invaluable advice for and wonderful understanding of both single men and women involved in modern-day dating, especially those coming out of previous long-term relationships for the first time in a while.

I always look forward to reading your frequent new posts and tweets very much. If you ever want my humble male opinion on anything romance-related, I would be glad and honored to offer it to you.  Again, thanks for all you do for Baby-boomer and Gen-X singles everywhere.

Keep up the great work!  Allan

 

 

Hi Allan,

 

Thanks, I really appreciate you taking the time to write to me.  It's nice to know I'm having a positive influence on people's dating lives!

25 Year Old in a 40 Year Old Body

Hi Lucia,

I’ve dated all across the age spectrum, but I always come back to older women.  Without fail, the younger ones do not have the “texture” that holds my interest, much less the class, elegance, poise and life experience that I appreciate in a high-caliber woman.  I found it funny a few years ago when the term Cougar came into the lexicon.  I guess you could say that I loved cougars before Cougars were cool.

Just over a year ago, my sweetie and I broke up.  We had been together for 5 ½ years and she was most definitely the love of my life and in my belief (and those of more than one psychic and intuitive), my soul mate or as some would say, one of them.

The breakup wasn’t my choice and frankly, it was devastating to me.  To this day, I’m still very much in love with her and would marry her tomorrow.  I’m 40, she’s 53.  The age matters to me not one bit.  I find her to be the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known and when I see her, I see God.  That may sound hokey, but it was actually a deeply spiritual relationship and that was an area we both shared very much.

The reason for the demise of the relationship was because I hit a rough spot in my life and found out I actually wasn’t as grown-up as I thought I was.  It became apparent that in many ways I was a 25 year old in a 40 year old body.  That is not good for an older woman who is elegant, classy and sophisticated and needs a mature, responsible man in her life, soul mate or not.

I’ve spent the last year “in the desert” and I’ve grown up.  How can I convince her of this so that we can start to rekindle what we had?   Mick

Hi Mick,

Your email got my attention when I read, “when I see her, I see God.”  I wonder how many other men feel that way about their women but didn’t have a way to describe it?

Congratulations for working on yourself.  Better late than never!  The only way you can convince your ex that you’ve changed is over time through your actions, not words.  “Don’t talk about it, be about it”.

I don’t know if you’re still in contact with her or not.  Either way, invite her out to dinner.  Tell her that you’ve worked on yourself, addressing the specific issues that led to the break up.  Don’t try too hard to sell it.  This should be a casual conversation before the dessert arrives.

See how she responds and tell her you’d like to start rebuilding a friendship.  Do not try to jump right back into dating.  She will probably be cautious, wondering if you really have grown up.  Let things unfold slowly and naturally, and you should be okay.

Heal a Broken Heart

Getting your heart broken has got to be one of life's biggest sorrows. After a break up, it's important to find ways to fix your broken heart so you can keep moving on down life's road. Heartache is not easy to overcome, but you need to get on with your life.

Heartbreak is a pain like any other. It is an emotional pain so bottomless that it can feel like a physical blow. When you have a pain like this one, all you want is for the deep ache to go away. As much as I’d like to advise differently, there is no band aid for a broken heart. Though it sounds clich้, time is the remedy needed for you to truly heal from such a deep, wrenching pain. In time, this pain will go away. Between now and then, however, following a few basic tips might be able to make the difference in how you are feeling.

1. Cry: You are going to feel like rubbish for the first few weeks. Depending how emotional of a person you are, you may feel like crying for days. Go ahead. A significant change has occurred in your life; a painful change. There is no way to expect that you will feel a little sadness and be able to shut it off with a switch. It’s just not that simple. Allow yourself to grieve for your loss. But not too long! Staying in the past for too long can only hurt you. See rule number 4.
2. Talk to Someone Close: Use the shoulder of someone who cares about you to get out your feelings. This is a way to purify your soul by letting someone in to share your pain. Let them listen, comfort you, and offer advice. You don’t necessarily have to take that advice, but sharing this comfort can make you feel better. Make sure you only allow yourself to grieve and lean on someone for a time because you need to move forward.
3. Distract Yourself: Bring friends you care about back into your life. Maybe having the relationship was keeping you from spending time with your parents, or siblings. Maybe you hadn’t talked to your best friend in weeks. Surround yourself with this support network. Getting things that need to be done around the house done is a great way to get lost in a project. Go to the gym. Organize your closet. Get out and take a walk. Distracting yourself is a great stepping stone to moving on with your life. This brings us to rule number 4.
4. Look toward the Future; Forget the Past: Once you have allowed yourself the indulgence of grieving for a part of your life that is now past, look forward! There is a definite need to be able to start a new chapter in the book of your life. Now that you are past the sadness and anger, it is time for hope and renewal that will help you to move on. Take time out for yourself; get to know yourself as a single individual instead of as part of a couple. Replenish your soul by becoming you again.

Following these sometimes difficult, but necessary steps, you can begin to heal the broken pieces of your heart. You can not only become whole again, you can become whatever you wish to become. This is a chance to start fresh, and once the pain starts to ease, you will see it as such an opportunity.

I'm 66 and He's 39

Hi Lucia,

I am 66 and have been with my 39 year old boyfriend for two.  We are more in love now than when we met.  I look very young for my age but regardless I am what I am.  We have great sex and laugh so much. We do not live together and that is because I have been keeping it this way.  

We see with our friends separately because of the age difference.  I have a few friends who are very cool with our relationship but are much older than him too.  We live in such a small town we are talked about and I think most women are just plain jealous. 

We both want more but are a little nervous about how to present this to our families.  I have been slowly meeting his brothers and he has met my sisters but now there are more family members soon to arrive. 

His family doesn’t know how old I am.  They think I am 50 and the mom freaked out because she was worried about grandchildren.   Yasmin

Hi Yasmin,

Ah yes, the problem with the potential mother in law.  Isn’t it funny how, now matter how old someone is, they are still concerned about their partner’s mother?

I would not suggest you reveal your age.  It’s not because there’s anything to be ashamed of, I just don’t think that there’s no need to bring it up.  They are already concerned about an “11” year age difference, so I don’t think they’d be too thrilled to find out it was actually 27.  In either case, it’s really no one’s business.  If anyone asks, you or your boyfriend can remind them it’s not polite to ask about a woman’s age.

As for concern about grandchildren, if your boyfriend’s loves her son, her first priority should be that he is happy and in love with a woman who is good for him.  If all she cares about is grandchildren, then she is only thinking of herself.  Why should he have to sacrifice being with the woman he loves, in order to fulfill her wishes?  Everyone is free to date or marry who they want (well, except for gay people) and to choose whether or not to have children.

Keep in mind you’re not doing anything wrong.  Some family members will accept the situation and some won’t, however that is their business, not yours.  Don’t try to convince anyone of anything they’re not ready to accept.  Just be an inspiration of how two people in love treat each other and you will hopefully eventually win everyone over.

My Cougar Won't Return My Calls

Hi Lucia,

About three months ago I began dating an older woman who happens to be 39 years old.  I am 27.  We've been on a couple of dates since then and have been getting on just great, but in the past month I have not heard from her at all. 

I'm guessing it might just be my insecurities, but I feel that I may have been given the flick!  I've tried getting in contact with via email and by phone but alas to no avail. I've really fallen for this woman.  Ossie

Dear Ossie,

I’m glad you wrote to me, because it proves that older women are not always the ones who are chasing younger men.  More often than not, it’s the other way around!

I don’t have enough information to make an educated guess as to what may have happened.  However, I do know that continuing to try to get in touch with her is just going to make matters worse.

You need to leave her alone.  If she wants to get back in touch, she will. If you really were getting along great, at some point, she will pop up again.

In the meantime, if you find that you prefer dating older women, I suggest you join the community at Urbancougar.com or a Cougar dating site such as The Cougar Connection.