Why Am I Attracted to Older Women?

Hi Lucia,

I'm 25 and I am finding myself more attracted to older women – 32 and up.  Why is that?  Matt

Hi Matt,

Society has programmed guys to think they should only be attracted to nubile 20 something’s, so when they find themselves interested in an older woman (even if she’s only 7 years older), they question themselves.  As women continue to take care of themselves and maintain their looks, there’s no reason why men can’t still find them attractive, just because they are over 30 or 40.

Besides the physical appearance, they have many other desirable personality traits such as confidence, comfortable with their sexuality, life experience, knowing what they want and not being afraid to communicate it.  There is also usually less drama associated with an older woman.  She will not call/text you 10 times a day or want to know where you are every minute. 

The lifestyle is becoming more and more acceptable, so there’s no need to be embarrassed or ashamed.  If you’d like to date older women, go for it!  Welcome to the Cougar Revolution!

Is It Wrong To Have Sex With a Cougar?

 

Hey Lucia,

My friends think I’m crazy because I’m 21 years old and I’ve been having GREAT sex with a 52 year old divorced woman.  We both know it’s just for sex.  Is this wrong?  Joe

Hey Joe,

There is nothing wrong with having great sex with an older woman.  You get the benefit of her experience!  Great sex can be hard to come by, so since you both know it's just about the sex,  why put an end to a good thing?  Your friends are probably secretly jealous.  Do your thing!

Is He Too Young For a Commitment?

Hi Lucia,

I’m 36 and my boyfriend is 28.  We had been dating for 9 months when, because of his immaturity (putting his friends before me) we broke up. Shortly afterward I went on an overseas trip for a month with no cell phone.  Upon my return I found out he had been trying to reach me.

When we finally met up, he told me that during the time we had been apart, he realized how no woman would have wanted to deal with his “friends first” attitude.  He really thought we had something special and that we should try again.  I told him:  I’m 36, I’m over these stupid games, I want a family and a strong stable relationship, if you don’t want that, let’s not try again.  He assured me that’s what he wanted too.

Things are going great and we are now talking about living together but I’m scared that this will not work out and his age will someday come to bite me in the butt.   Last month on the day he gave his landlord notice, I freaked out and created a big fight.   He took it back and said since I wasn’t ready we could wait until I am.  Do you think he’s too young to make a serious commitment at 28?  Sarah

Dear Sarah,

There are men 10 years older than your guy that still aren’t ready for a commitment.  On the other hand, I’ve known guys in their mid-twenties that were mature enough to get serious, so it’s not the date on the calendar that counts, but what’s going on in his head.  If he’s sown his wild oats, is financially stable (meaning he has a steady job and a decent credit score) and is focused on his career, there’s no reason to believe his age will come back to bite you.

Do you think that maybe you might not be ready?  It’s interesting that you would freak out when things were about to move to the next level.  If you’re not 99% (because you’re never 100%) sure that he is “the One”, then keep dating and see what happens.  If he’s too young for a serious commitment, it will become evident soon enough.

My Cougar Wants to get Serious

Hi Lucia,

I have a relationship that I want to last but I’m not sure if it can.  I’m a 20 year old male dating a 43 year old woman. We get along great, have an amazing sex life, but now she wants to get a lot more serious. I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to do that or not. What do you think?  Andy

Hi Andy

While I’m all for older women/younger men relationships, the age difference in this case is too great to even entertain the possibility of it becoming serious.  You were still a teenager only a year ago.  You have so much growing up to do and so many things to learn.  You cannot be tied down to anyone at this age.  I suggest you keep things as they are.  If she’s not happy with that, then she has some growing up to do.

I'm Attracted to my Aunt!

Hi Lucia,

I am 24 years old and I am in love with a woman who is 42.  The thing is, she’s my aunt.  We have a very close friendship and I have fallen in love with her.  I don’t think she knows that.  I am afraid to tell her how I feel.  I can be myself when I am with her and she is so grown up.

I see her every weekend.  I make her a special dinner and we watch a movie.  She phones me sometimes during the week and says things like, “I can’t wait for this weekend.” or “Are you coming this weekend?  I miss you.”

I really want to take this relationship further.  I have my own place but I can just as well move in with her.  Must I stop seeing her?  Is this all wrong because she’s my aunt?  J.

Dear J,

I can certainly understand the allure of a beautiful, older woman, especially one who you can be yourself with.  However, you obviously know this is totally wrong, or you wouldn’t have written to me. 

You may think you’re in love with her, but it’s infatuation.  I can understand how you becoming infatuated with her, but she should know better.  Of course she knows you’re interested!  I’m sure she finds it flattering to have a young man so taken with her, but she is using bad judgment.

Do not move forward with this situation.  You cannot move in with her and you cannot have sex with her.  I know it’s going to be difficult, but nothing good can come of this situation.  If the family found out, at the very least, they would be very disappointed and upset.

If you prefer older women, then please find another one.  This one is off limits!

10 Reasons to Date a Cougar

What makes older women so attractive to younger men?

Confidence – She knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to let you know.  She means what she says and says what she means.  She won’t freak out if she doesn’t hear from you for a few days. 

Sex – She doesn’t get as emotionally attached as younger women do if she’s having sex with you.  She has a high sex drive.  She’s comfortable with her body.  She knows what she’s doing.  She will rock your world.

Money – She doesn’t need yours!  She doesn’t care how much you make.  She doesn’t care what your earning potential is.  She doesn’t expect you to pay for everything.

No Drama - She won’t call/text you 20 times a day.  She won’t have a temper tantrum or cry easily.  She won’t ask:  Why didn’t you call?  Where were you?  Where is this going?

Life Experience – She’s been around (in a good way) and is socially and sexually savvy.  You will become a man and a better lover as a result of being with her.

More Interesting – She’s lived, traveled and experienced life.  She has a lot to talk about.  Conversation will never be dull. 

No Pressure – She’s generally not interested in having children or getting married.  She’s into having fun and going with the flow instead of trying to get a commitment.

Responsible – She is rarely flaky.  She’s not into wasting her time or yours.  She’s not into games.  You can count on her to follow through and keep her word.

Understanding – She understands your need to win; your need to feel like a hero; your need to feel appreciated; your need to occasionally withdraw.  She understands men.

Total package – She has her act together: mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically and sexually.  She’s the total package.

Dating a Married Cougar

Hey Lucia,

Your outlook and "tell like it is" responses are always so insightful, thank you.  I am a young 29 year old "cub."  I have always been attracted to women older than myself.  They provide an abundance of knowledge, sophistication and assertiveness; all qualities that I find make a woman sexy. 

I recently met a woman who is 39, all of the above and then some.  We work out together, have a lot in common, laugh and never get tired of each other.  We are not intimate and do not go on dates due to her current situation.  Problem is she is separated from her husband, not divorced and has a child.  I respect their family, situation/relationship and that's why I'm just going with the flow.  I'm enjoying the company for what it is and not pressing any sort of progress at all.

She enjoys my company as much as I do hers; it's a really easy flowing relationship.  We do not call each other, but do exchange emails on a regular basis and see each other a few times a week.  We are personal with each other in the sense that we are very open and share pretty much everything about ourselves.  I left the ball in her court as far as setting the pace goes. 

I guess what I'm getting at is I think she is the most wonderful women I have met in a long time.  While the timing is off, deep down inside of me there is hope for something a bit more than a friendship, somewhere down the line.  I've learned from past situations to not set myself up for failure and that's why I'm trying to be casual about it.   What do you think?  Any advice for this young cub?

Hopeful in Houston


Hi Hopeful,

You’re on the right track, but instead of trying to be casual, be casual.  There is nothing wrong with developing a friendship first and seeing if that leads to more once she is divorced.

Of course, there is always a chance she may get back together with her husband, so you have to be prepared for that possibility.

I know you probably don’t want to hear it, but I also suggest that you date other women, if you’re not already doing it.  This will help with not getting too focused on this woman who is currently not totally available.

Other than that, continue to go with the flow and see where it goes.  Good luck!

How to Approach a Cougar

Hi Lucia,

Like any other young Cub who has entered our seemingly sinful and joyful world of Cougar/Cubs, I find it hard to meet and/or approach older women.  What do I look for to see if a woman is interested in a younger man and what’s the best way to approach a woman in a public setting like that.  Biggie

Hi Biggie,

If you’d like to date a Cougar, the first thing you have to realize is that although the lifestyle may be joyful, it’s not sinful.  If that’s your perception, it will be a big turnoff, so you may want to re-think your perspective.

Approaching a Cougar is the same as approaching any woman, but it’s actually easier, because she will most likely be receptive even if she’s not interested.  Older women understand that it takes a lot for a man to risk rejection in public, so they will try to make it as painless as possible.

After looking to make sure she’s not wearing a ring, strike up a situational conversation.  This means, if you’re standing in line somewhere, ask about the event:  Have you heard if this is a good movie?  Do you know if the eggplant sandwich is good?   Do not start with a compliment, because there’s not much she can say to that except, “Thank you”. 

If she seems receptive to talking with you, ask for her number, saying you’d like to get to know her better.  If she’s interested and available, she’ll give it to you but if she’s not, she’ll have a good excuse.

For more information, check out my new recording:  www.howtocatchacougar.net