International Cougar

Dear Lucia,

I've been in a cyber-relationship with a guy who lives in another country for 9 months. We see each other every night through the web cam and I call him or he calls me almost every day. He looks like he's really in love when he says it and his behavior demonstrates what he says.

He wants to marry me and have kids with me. I do too. He's 24 and I'm 32 and he says that he has always liked older women.  I started to feel something very special for him that for a period of time I thought was love, but now I don't feel that way as much.

Somehow we've managed to be apart and not let the relationship get cold because of the distance. I'm not able to go to see him and he's not able to come to the US because he doesn't have a visa.

Sometimes he's kind of possessive and controlling and I've had some confrontations with him about those issues and we've been getting through them.  He's been very cooperative with those matters saying that he would do anything to make this relationship to work.

However, I recently met someone else in a chat room and it's making me think about cheating on my cyber-boyfriend.  He lives in another state but he's overseas most of the time and does not have enough time for relationships.

We became good friends and have a pretty nice connection since we were born in the same city.  I have a blast every time we talk.  We talk often over messenger and sometimes over the phone.

Now he wants to meet me and try to be with me in a serious relationship. I've told him that since he is almost never home that I'm not interested in that kind of relationship. He said that he wants to try with me because he likes me very much and he's been thinking about leaving the job he has now and working on something where he doesn't have to be absent so much.

He seems into me.  He tells me that I'm the kind of woman that he would like to spend his time with and in the future who knows, live together, get married and have kids (he doesn't have any and haven't ever been married).

We made plans to get together in the next month.  I like him a lot, but somehow I don't trust him. I'm afraid he might be lying about his life and that he only wants to have sex with me. We already talked about sex and what we like and don't like. He tells me every time we talk that he wants to be with me and that he'll make it happen.

Should I meet him and see what happens?  If we like each other enough that the chemistry is floating in the air when we meet, should I have sex with him on that first date?   Should I say anything about this to my cyber-boyfriend?

If things work out with this guy, how should I break up with my cyber-boyfriend? I know for sure that he'll be devastated.  Girl Overseas 

Dear Girl,

Wow, you’ll do just about anything not to be in a relationship, won’t you?  You’re fooling yourself if you think you’re interested in either one of these guys.   You don’t know anything about them except what they choose to tell you.  Until you meet someone face to face, you don’t know who you’re dealing with.

If you do meet the 2^nd guy, DO NOT have sex with him the first time, no matter how much chemistry there is.  Your intuition is telling you not to trust him and you should listen.  You only know him from what he’s told you.  Always look at what a man does, not what he says.  If a guy just wants to have sex, he will say anything!

As for your “cyber-boyfriend”, if you really need that much attention, you can continue to talk to him, but don’t fool yourself into thinking it’s going to go anywhere.

If you’re really interested in a relationship, you need to find someone in or near your zip code.

I Want to be a Boy-Toy

Hi Lucia,

I’m 19 and still a virgin.  I can be shy at first, but I get over it after a while. I would love to find myself a Cougar and be her boy-toy.  How can I get the attention of older women?  Boy-toy

Hi Boy-toy,

I would suggest joining an online dating sites.  I would recommend www.dateacougar.com.  Don’t be afraid to put in your profile that you are “inexperienced” and looking for someone to “show you the ropes”.  Some women actually prefer that!

Cougar Co-Worker

Dear Lucia,

I'm 21 years old.  I've recently fallen for an older woman I work with, she's 38.   I find it so hard because I can't be myself around her.  I let myself fall knowing that it would be a mistake.

She has a boyfriend who lives overseas which makes things so difficult.  I just need tips on how to get over her.  I can’t stop thinking about her and it's really driving me nuts!  T.J.

Hi T.J.

Well, this is a fine mess you’ve gotten yourself into young man!  Just kidding!

Since you work together, it’s going to be difficult to avoid her, but try to stay away from her as much as you can.  Only interact with her if you absolutely have to.

As for constantly thinking about her, that will be more difficult to deal with.  She’s currently residing in your head.  Whenever you find yourself thinking about her (I know, it’s probably every 5 minutes), think of something you don’t like – a food, place, whatever.  Eventually there will be a negative association when she comes to mind, and you will begin to think about her less and less.

Cougar Dating Sites

Hi Lucia,

I am 19 years old and seem not to have an emotional connection with anyone in my age range.  For a long time I have been attracted to older women.  I hate the drama of my generation.  It seems to me that women in my age range are losing their want for independent thought. I like strong minded, mature, and beautiful women with out the drama.  I think that is why I have always been attracted to older women.  Is it possible to find an older woman who is interested in someone my age or should I just give up?    Jim

Hi Jim,

Your email confirms that young, adult males are definitely interested in older women for more than just sex.  Some people still find that hard to believe.  You are obviously wise beyond your years, if at 19, you feel the need to be with someone more mature. 

I would suggest an internet dating sites that specializes in Cougar relationships such as www.dateacougar.com

Are Cougars Insecure?

Hi Lucia,

I love dating or seeing older women. I love the way they handle themselves and look. 21 year olds are fun but get old. An active, older woman who likes to go out and can turn heads with a great cocktail dress and heels is the most attractive thing I can think of.

I’d like to know why older women always ask why I like them and how come I am not "into" younger girls.  Are all older women this insecure about this?  Brian

Hi Brian,

Luckily, not all older women are insecure about the age factor.  Most know that they are the total package and have more to offer than younger women, because they’ve had more time to get their act together.

You may be meeting women who are recently divorced and back on the dating scene or who have always dated older men.  The concept of a guy preferring an older woman is still quite new to a lot of people.

Tell them the same things you’ve told me and that should help appease their concerns.

My Cougar Disappeared

Dear Lucia,

About three months ago I began dating an older woman who happens to be 35 years old.  I am 25.  We've been on a couple of dates since then and have been getting on just great, but in the past month I have not heard from her at all. 

I'm guessing it might just be my insecurities, but I feel that I may have been given the flick!  I've tried getting in contact with via email and by phone but alas to no avail. I've really fallen for this woman.  Ossie

Dear Ossie,

I’m glad you wrote to me, because it proves that older women are not always the ones who are chasing younger men.  More often than not, it’s the other way around!

I don’t have enough information to make an educated guess as to what may have happened.  However, I do know that continuing to try to get in touch with her is just going to make matters worse.

You need to leave her alone.  If she wants to get back in touch, she will. If you really were getting along great, at some point, she will pop up again.

I'm Hiding My Cougar From My Parents

Hi Lucia,

I’m 24 and I've been dating a woman who is twice my age for about twelve months.  Thus far, my parents don't know about her though they are aware I am seeing someone.  They have continued to ask if they could at least see a picture of her but I have always refused.

Recently, my parents have become more adamant to see who I'm dating and it's been evolving into a more contentious issue.  Would you recommend me showing my parents a photo which could possibly alter our close relationship, or should I continue to be vague and secretive.  Mike

Hi Mike,

I have to laugh at the last sentence in your email.  You say you have a close relationship and yet you are being vague and secretive.  Isn’t that a contradiction?

I would suggest you speak to them first before showing a photo.  Do not begin by saying you’re dating a woman twice you age, as you did in your email.  Tell them the truth:  that you were afraid to tell them who you were dating because you thought it would alter your relationship and you didn’t want that to happen.

At this point they may start to think you’re gay, so tell them it’s a woman who is quite a few years older.  If they ask how many, say it’s not polite to reveal a woman’s age, but you’d be happy to show them a photo.  Go from there and let me know what happens.