Dating at 20 vs Dating at 40

Hi Lucia,

I believe that dating in your 40's needs to be treated in a completely different way then in your 20's.  What are your thoughts?  Joan

Hi Joan,

I acquiesce!  The 20’s is a time when you are still growing and maturing.  Scientists at the NIH campus in Bethesda, Md., have found that "the executive branch" of the teen brain — the part that weighs risks, makes judgments and controls impulsive behavior isn’t fully mature until age 25. 

This is a time to find out what you will or will not put up with in a partner, learn how to set boundaries and compromise.  If you want to get married and start a family, then you should only date partners that are good marriage material – although this is often easier said than done.  

 It’s also the time to cheat and be cheated on, so that you’ll understand both sides of the coin.  The 20s is a good time to have your heart broken – it makes you realize how fragile love can sometimes be and makes you humble.  This is the when you should make most of your dating mistakes.

If you are dating in their 40s, it usually means you’re divorced and may have a child or two.  The priority may no longer be marriage but simply finding a companion with shared interests, who is on the same wavelength mentally and emotionally.  If you have kids under 18, they are the priority and shouldn’t be introduced to anyone unless that person is going to be there long term.  

By now you’ve made most of your dating mistakes and the drama of relationships should be over.   You realize that cheating is not worth it and if you’re not happy you’ll speak up and try to remedy the situation or part on good terms. 

His Ex is a Cougar

Dear Lucia,

I’m 31 years old, married to a 39 year old man for 4 years now. My husband’s previous relationship was with a woman 11 years older than him. She is a very nice lady, beautiful, funny and their relationship lasted for 4 years.  He left her for me 6 years ago

I’m envious that I don’t have the same experiences and the same confidence she has and I think that this is important for my husband.  He is very mature and very logical I’m very emotional and an artistic spirit.

They write to each other every 5-6 months but don’t ever speak on the phone.
A month ago my husband sent her an email that said, "I still think of you everyday".

She never ever writes back anything that seems erotic. I think she only wants his friendship.

Once when we had a fight he wrote to her, "My wife is so immature, she drives me crazy sometimes.”  What does he mean?  Do you think he wants to be with her again or that he is only friends?

I never feel "enough" for him.  There is always something missing and I don’t know what it is.  Sometimes I feel he is still in love with his ex. Other times I’m trying not to be so insecure.  I cry everyday thinking about how to deal with that.

He doesn’t know any of this is happening, he thinks everything is ok. I can’t let my self be happy.  My smile is fake; my heart is broken. Our relationship looks perfect, he seems very happy with me.

I m very confused.  What can I do to win this competition?  I know I may lose the game, but at least I can try, I really love him.  I want his children. But I can’t live under these circumstances with him.

I know it’s crazy that I check his email, but it’s the only way to know what’s going on. I want to stop that - I hate it.  It’s very hard for me because I can’t tell anyone how painful it is to spy in my husband’s email account and read things like that.  Vicky

Dear Vicky,

One of the cornerstones of any relationship, but especially marriage, is trust.  Your husband has not given you any reason not to trust him.  Writing to his ex twice a year is nothing.  This is about you and your insecurities.

I would suggest you speak to a therapist about what is going on.  You are threatened by his ex, and yet, he left her for you!  If he wanted to be with her, he would be.  If, however, you don’t seek help and get a grip on your issues, he may wish he was with her!

I'm Hiding My Cougar From My Parents

Hi Lucia,

I’m 24 and I've been dating a woman who is twice my age for about twelve months.  Thus far, my parents don't know about her though they are aware I am seeing someone.  They have continued to ask if they could at least see a picture of her but I have always refused.

Recently, my parents have become more adamant to see who I'm dating and it's been evolving into a more contentious issue.  Would you recommend me showing my parents a photo which could possibly alter our close relationship, or should I continue to be vague and secretive.  Mike

Hi Mike,

I have to laugh at the last sentence in your email.  You say you have a close relationship and yet you are being vague and secretive.  Isn’t that a contradiction?

I would suggest you speak to them first before showing a photo.  Do not begin by saying you’re dating a woman twice you age, as you did in your email.  Tell them the truth:  that you were afraid to tell them who you were dating because you thought it would alter your relationship and you didn’t want that to happen.

At this point they may start to think you’re gay, so tell them it’s a woman who is quite a few years older.  If they ask how many, say it’s not polite to reveal a woman’s age, but you’d be happy to show them a photo.  Go from there and let me know what happens.

Is This Cub Too Young?

Hi Lucia,

I met a very, very attractive successful younger man on line who lives in another state. We have passed the last several months talking via phone, email and IM. He has already said he will fly out to visit with me, which I am looking forward to.  He is 26 years old.  Can this really work?  

I tried asking my girl friends and family members but everyone just laughed and said, “No”.  I am a hopeless romantic.  Am I reading too much into this?  Hoping in Florida

Hi Hoping,

There is nothing wrong with being a hopeless romantic, as long as you are also a cautious romantic!  When you ask if this can work, I’m assuming you mean as a relationship.  That will depend on his level of maturity and what he’s looking for at this point in his life.  While some 26 year old men are ready to settle down, most aren’t.

Let him show you who he is.  Are the majority of your conversations sexual?  How hard will he be pushing to have sex when he comes to visit?  If you get the vibe that it’s just about sex, then it is.  A guy who is interested in a relationship will not want to offend you by bringing up sex too soon and too much.

As usual, time will tell.  So just lean back, relax and watch to see if he’s interested in you, or just in sleeping with you.