My Cougar Doesn't Want to Marry Me!

Hi Lucia,

I'm 20 and my partner is 34.   Recently she said she wants to get married at some point.   She is always evasive or changes the subject when I bring up specifically her marrying me, as opposed to just generally wanting to get married. This makes me think that she is just having fun with me and doesn't plan to actually marry me at some future time. 

She has said that she won't like me a bit more for trying to act older but I'm worried she needs someone who's not a kid to her and will ultimately go for someone more her peer. 

Am I just imagining it?  Ryan

Hi Ryan,

I'm sorry but I have to chuckle because it in the past it was generally women wondering if they were being used, but obviously the tide is turning!

In a  2009 study by Cougared.com,  only 4% of Cougars said they preferred to date Cubs 20-23.  Older women know men in their early 20s are still sowing their wild oats, so they rarely consider them "marriage material".

The good news is that she is at least willing to date you - the majority of older women wouldn't even give you a chance.  She's right - acting older is not going to help because you're not being yourself.  Only a year ago you were still in your teens, so there is no way you're going to be "mature".

All you can do is treat her well and show her you're willing to grow and become the type of man that any woman would be proud to date.  The rest is up to her!

Should I Marry My 22 Year Old Cub?

 Hello, Lucia,

I am a 36 year-old woman who is heavily involved with a 22 year old.  I have been divorced for 2 1/2 yrs., and have 2 beautiful little girls.  I’ve been seeing my gorgeous, younger guy for almost a year and a half.  

When we met, I was only divorced a short while and was merely looking for a good time, and so was he.  I must admit, I am a beautiful, sexy woman, who knows what I want, and have a reputation as a heartbreaker.  I have always refused to let a man make a fool out of me, because I have always known my value.  I am, however, deeply in love with my cub. We are so close, best friends, and have the best sex imaginable. 

I tried, for the first year, to end our relationship, but he is so head-strong, and has a way with me, like no other. He refused to let me go.  My family loves him, and his family loves me.  I have actually become extremely close to his mother.  He is so wonderful to my girls.  He has really become like a second father to them.  He is not a big partier, and always, always comes straight home to me.  He has NEVER put me off so he can be with his friends, and I have NEVER had a reason not to trust him.  

He says he wants to marry me, eventually, and wants us to have a child together. I never bring up marriage, or really discuss it with him at all. He is a very hard worker, and his mother says, he always has been. He helps me with my bills around the house, and he is my handy-man.  He truly is an old-soul, and the best partner I could possibly ask for.  He says he had been drinking, and partying since he was 15, and that it made him miserable.

I would love to marry him in a couple of years, but, rightfully so, am scared to death of making a mistake.  I have read your past blogs about men not really being ready until 25.  If this is wrong for me and my girls, I need to figure it out now.  Thanks so much, Lucia...I really enjoy your blog.    Felicia

Hi Felicia,

Wow, I have to admit, this guy sounds like a dream.  He seems to be the ideal partner except for the fact that he’s only 22, old soul or not.  Not only are most guys under 25 not ready to be married, their decision making ability (pre-frontal cortex) isn’t fully formed until then.

Although you mentioned wanting another child, that’s never a good reason to speed things up.  I would suggest you continue to date for a couple of years and see how you both feel at that time.  If things are as great as they sound, then time will only bring you closer together.

Good luck and thanks for showing the world that younger men who date older women are not just doing it for the sex – some of them actually want serious relationships!

My 18 Year Old Cub Proposed!

                                                                          

Hi Lucia,

I really admire your work and think you are fantastic.  I am a 31 year old single mom with two young children.  I met my cub when he was just 17 and we fell head over heels in love.  I pushed him away until he turned 18, as hard as that was for the both of us.  He will be turning 19 this month.

He proposed to me on Christmas day and I said yes.  Is it wrong for me to marry a teenager of 19 when I am a 31 year old woman?  When we are together I don’t question it, but he is away for a couple of months and I’m starting to have doubts. He treats me so well and we are very happy together, as are my children. I don’t want to push him away again because of my fear of the age difference.  Karen

Hi Karen,

I don’t have an issue with the 12 year age difference, especially since it seems most Cougar/Cub relationships usually have at least a 15 year difference.  My issue is with his age.  A teenager has no business getting married, no matter how mature he may appear to be.  Scientists at the NIH campus at Bethesda, Maryland discovered that the part of the brain which weighs risks, makes judgments and controls impulsive behavior isn’t fully mature until age 25.   

I’m assuming you were married to your children’s father, so they’ve already been through one divorce.  Do you really want to put them in the unpleasant position of most likely having to go through another one?  Their mental and emotional well being should be your priority. 

You can certainly continue to date him and possibly consider marriage down the road, if you’re still together, however I see no need for marriage at this point.  Being head over heels in love is not a good enough reason to marry a teenager.

Is There A Future with a 22 Year Old?

                                                                              

Hi Lucia,

I recently started dating a 22 year old – I’m 42.  I gotta say, he’s so sweet and loving.  At the same time, I wonder what he's doing?  I’m really feeling him and I'm afraid I'm thinking about him or considering him too much. 

I know and understand he deserves a life where he would marry a woman that can give him a family.  We haven’t discussed this but I did tell him "This is what it is, sooner or later, it has to be over.”  He has been distant since then, but we have a cruise scheduled for next month.  How should I be taking this all?   I do feel he cares for me deeply.   Zatima

Hi Zatima,

Yes, guys in their early 20s are sweet and loving, and one of the reasons is because they’re idealistic about love.  You and I both know the chances of this leading to marriage or a long term commitment are slim to none, but he wants to believe that maybe, somehow, it might.  When you told him there was no future, you burst his bubble.  I wouldn’t have recommended that you say that to him, however, you obviously can’t take it back. 

Now you need to do some damage control.  Luckily, you have a cruise planned.  Pick a moment when you are both relaxed and in a great mood – maybe after sex - and say something like, “It feels great to be with you.  I know I said this will be over sooner or later, but you never know what might happen!”  Smile, give him a kiss and never bring the subject up again!

I Want to Settle Down

Hi Lucia,

I've just met another much younger guy (16yrs) and we’ve both fallen for each other. I want to settle down but I don't think I have found the right guy. I can't seem to be interested in guys my age or older than me.

I had an earlier relationship with another guy 25 years younger and he still wants to continue the relationship. I’ve kept away from him because he is too young, even though I still have feelings for him.

I want a man to settle down with and my honest feeling is he should NOT be much younger and at the same time he must be matured. I can't see myself with an older guy.

I want to know the difference between a "feeling" and "love".  Chi Chi

Hi Chi Chi,

Many people get into trouble because they base their decisions only on their feelings.  Think of your mind as the sky and feelings as clouds.  Just as clouds change and disappear from the sky, so it is with feelings.  They are always changing, that’s why you can’t use only feelings to make a decision about your future.

Love is based on respect and admiration.  You may have strong feelings or chemistry with someone, but you may not always respect them.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to settle down with a younger man, however I would advise you to pick someone over 30, if you are looking for something that has a better chance of going the distance.  As long as he is ready and willing to make a commitment, the fact that he’s younger should not be a problem.

His Ex is a Cougar

Dear Lucia,

I’m 31 years old, married to a 39 year old man for 4 years now. My husband’s previous relationship was with a woman 11 years older than him. She is a very nice lady, beautiful, funny and their relationship lasted for 4 years.  He left her for me 6 years ago

I’m envious that I don’t have the same experiences and the same confidence she has and I think that this is important for my husband.  He is very mature and very logical I’m very emotional and an artistic spirit.

They write to each other every 5-6 months but don’t ever speak on the phone.
A month ago my husband sent her an email that said, "I still think of you everyday".

She never ever writes back anything that seems erotic. I think she only wants his friendship.

Once when we had a fight he wrote to her, "My wife is so immature, she drives me crazy sometimes.”  What does he mean?  Do you think he wants to be with her again or that he is only friends?

I never feel "enough" for him.  There is always something missing and I don’t know what it is.  Sometimes I feel he is still in love with his ex. Other times I’m trying not to be so insecure.  I cry everyday thinking about how to deal with that.

He doesn’t know any of this is happening, he thinks everything is ok. I can’t let my self be happy.  My smile is fake; my heart is broken. Our relationship looks perfect, he seems very happy with me.

I m very confused.  What can I do to win this competition?  I know I may lose the game, but at least I can try, I really love him.  I want his children. But I can’t live under these circumstances with him.

I know it’s crazy that I check his email, but it’s the only way to know what’s going on. I want to stop that - I hate it.  It’s very hard for me because I can’t tell anyone how painful it is to spy in my husband’s email account and read things like that.  Vicky

Dear Vicky,

One of the cornerstones of any relationship, but especially marriage, is trust.  Your husband has not given you any reason not to trust him.  Writing to his ex twice a year is nothing.  This is about you and your insecurities.

I would suggest you speak to a therapist about what is going on.  You are threatened by his ex, and yet, he left her for you!  If he wanted to be with her, he would be.  If, however, you don’t seek help and get a grip on your issues, he may wish he was with her!