Can this Cub be Trusted?

Hello Lucia,

I met this young man who expressed an interest in me.  He would usually call to find out how I was doing and so on.  Recently he asked me to visit him which I gladly did because he had visited me at home before.  

When I arrived he was not well dressed and I suspected he was up to something.  After some time I asked to leave but he said I should spend the night at his place which I declined.  Then he proposed that I should find time and spend one week end with him which I have not.

Now he doesn't call me as he used to.  When we first me he asked me if I was going to marry him.  He wanted me to take him to meet my parents.   I suspect he is up to something.   Can he be trusted?  What should I do?  Joyce

Hi Joyce,

Who says you have to do anything?  That’s the great thing about being the woman.  It’s up to the man to make the moves and for you to say “yay” or “nay”. 

It sounds like he wanted to have sex when you went to visit him and because you didn’t, he’s lost interest.  It doesn’t matter what he said when you first met.  Anyone can say anything.  Always look at actions first, not words.

If he calls you, great.  If not, move on.  There are plenty of fish in the sea!

I'm Distraught Over My Cougar!

Hi Lucia,

I'm 25 and dating a woman who is 44.   Someone joked about our age gap and ever since then, she's been very distant. She doesn't talk to me everyday or stay with me like she used too.   I've been very distraught over this and I’ll admit I've cried a few times because I feel she has no idea how much I love and care about her. Tony

Hi Tony,

I’m so sorry to hear you’re so upset.  She’s probably feeling embarrassed and ashamed, even though she’s not doing anything wrong.  Unfortunately, not everyone has a thick skin.

I would suggest you let her know you’d like to see her, even if it’s only in private.  I don’t see why she’d have an issue with that, unless there’s something else going on. 

I would also suggest you email her the link to my blog, so that she can see there are a lot of Cougar/Cub couples in the world who are not concerned about what other people think!  Good luck.

My Cub is Very Shy

Hi Lucia,

I'm 48 and my cub is 22.  We met online and have never met in person. We message each other daily. With men my own age I usually play somewhat aloof and do not accept daily chatter, however this young man is 26 years my junior and admittedly VERY SHY.

How should I treat him?   I don't want to lose him, but don't want to have him taking me for granted.  I also plan on not sleeping with him for 2 months.   What would you advise?

Hi Elle,

He’s 22!  Shy or not, he doesn’t have much life experience, never mind dating experience.  I don’t see this as something that’s going to be a long term thing.  Guys in their early 20s generally just want to have sex.  So, although he should treat you with respect, there’s not a lot you can do to make sure he won’t take you for granted.  In many ways, he’s still a kid.

It’s your choice when you sleep with him, but this is one of the few times when it really doesn’t matter – it’s not likely to change the outcome.  If he doesn’t want to have sex again after the first time, it doesn’t matter how long you waited and vice versa.

25 Year Old in a 40 Year Old Body

Hi Lucia,

I’ve dated all across the age spectrum, but I always come back to older women.  Without fail, the younger ones do not have the “texture” that holds my interest, much less the class, elegance, poise and life experience that I appreciate in a high-caliber woman.  I found it funny a few years ago when the term Cougar came into the lexicon.  I guess you could say that I loved cougars before Cougars were cool.

Just over a year ago, my sweetie and I broke up.  We had been together for 5 ½ years and she was most definitely the love of my life and in my belief (and those of more than one psychic and intuitive), my soul mate or as some would say, one of them.

The breakup wasn’t my choice and frankly, it was devastating to me.  To this day, I’m still very much in love with her and would marry her tomorrow.  I’m 40, she’s 53.  The age matters to me not one bit.  I find her to be the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known and when I see her, I see God.  That may sound hokey, but it was actually a deeply spiritual relationship and that was an area we both shared very much.

The reason for the demise of the relationship was because I hit a rough spot in my life and found out I actually wasn’t as grown-up as I thought I was.  It became apparent that in many ways I was a 25 year old in a 40 year old body.  That is not good for an older woman who is elegant, classy and sophisticated and needs a mature, responsible man in her life, soul mate or not.

I’ve spent the last year “in the desert” and I’ve grown up.  How can I convince her of this so that we can start to rekindle what we had?   Mick

Hi Mick,

Your email got my attention when I read, “when I see her, I see God.”  I wonder how many other men feel that way about their women but didn’t have a way to describe it?

Congratulations for working on yourself.  Better late than never!  The only way you can convince your ex that you’ve changed is over time through your actions, not words.  “Don’t talk about it, be about it”.

I don’t know if you’re still in contact with her or not.  Either way, invite her out to dinner.  Tell her that you’ve worked on yourself, addressing the specific issues that led to the break up.  Don’t try too hard to sell it.  This should be a casual conversation before the dessert arrives.

See how she responds and tell her you’d like to start rebuilding a friendship.  Do not try to jump right back into dating.  She will probably be cautious, wondering if you really have grown up.  Let things unfold slowly and naturally, and you should be okay.

My Cougar Won't Return My Calls

Hi Lucia,

About three months ago I began dating an older woman who happens to be 39 years old.  I am 27.  We've been on a couple of dates since then and have been getting on just great, but in the past month I have not heard from her at all. 

I'm guessing it might just be my insecurities, but I feel that I may have been given the flick!  I've tried getting in contact with via email and by phone but alas to no avail. I've really fallen for this woman.  Ossie

Dear Ossie,

I’m glad you wrote to me, because it proves that older women are not always the ones who are chasing younger men.  More often than not, it’s the other way around!

I don’t have enough information to make an educated guess as to what may have happened.  However, I do know that continuing to try to get in touch with her is just going to make matters worse.

You need to leave her alone.  If she wants to get back in touch, she will. If you really were getting along great, at some point, she will pop up again.

In the meantime, if you find that you prefer dating older women, I suggest you join the community at Urbancougar.com or a Cougar dating site such as The Cougar Connection.

I'm Attracted to a 19 Year Old Cub

Dear Lucia,

I recently met a guy at a friend’s party.  He didn't tell me his real age when we first met because he said I wouldn't have given him a second glance. The moment we first laid eyes on each other and started talking we hit it off right away, everything faded and it felt like it was just the two of us.

We saw each other again a week later and that's when he told me he was 19.  I was in shock, I didn't know what to say or do.  I became cold and distant to this person who I thought was good for me.  He didn't act 19, his mind isn't 19.  He's smart, he treats me well, he makes me happy, we're compatible on so many levels and he's warm, kind and sweet.  Am I wrong to date him?  In shock

Dear In shock,

It’s interesting to note that if you were a man, you would probably not be writing in to ask me whether you should be dating a 19 year old girl!  Luckily, the double standard that exists in dating regarding age differences is slowly going away.  I believe in 5-10 years, it will no longer be an issue.

You didn’t tell me your age, but it doesn’t matter.  He treats you well, makes you happy, is warm, kind and sweet and you’re compatible on many levels.  Are you wrong to date him?  You’re wrong not to date him.  Enjoy yourself and don’t be too concerned about whether or not it will last.  

I'm In Love With A Cougar

Dear Lucia,

I am in love with a woman I’ve been dating for a month.  How do I make her fall in love with me?  I am 24 yrs old and she's older, but I don't know how old.  I invited her for lunch but she didn't show.  I also invited her last Sunday and again she didn't show up.  I tried her cell phone but she was not picking up.  I was a bit down because we arranged to meet and she didn't show up.  How do I make her understand I'm in love with her?  Please help me.  Derrick

Dear Derrick,

It’s very hard to convince someone of something that isn’t true.  The truth is that you are not in love with her.  I know it, she knows it and maybe somewhere inside you, you know it.  You make be infatuated and obsessed, but you certainly can’t love someone after only one month.  Love develops as a result of getting to know someone.  You don’t even know how old she is!

Although it’s not right for her to stand you up, the reason she’s doing it is because you’re creeping her out.  She’s doesn’t want to turn you down, so she pretends she’s going to see you and then doesn’t show up.  Even if you haven’t said, “I love you” to her, your actions and attitude are showing her that you are way too into her after only one month.  You’re coming across as desperate and unrealistic and that is never attractive.  We all want to be with someone strong.  Someone who is willing to put up with being continually stood up is not strong.  Are you sure you’re even dating?

If there is to be any hope for you, you need to back off immediately.  Don’t call her for a week.  When you do call, don’t ask her out.  Have a short, pleasant conversation and get off the phone.  You can ask her out the next time you talk.  If she doesn’t show up again, she’s not interested or she’s lost interest in you as a result of your actions.  At that point, all you can do is learn from your mistakes and move on.

                       

My Cougar Never Calls

Dear Lucia,

I am dating a 37 year old woman who I feel is leading me on... she always text messages me but never calls.  It seems as though if I don’t call her, she won’t stay interested.  How can I find out what she wants from me...I want something serious!  I don’t know how I should be to get her!! I am 29 and have always dated older women.  Louis

Dear Louis,

Ah yes, text messages - a double-edged sword.  They’re great for a quick communication when you can’t talk and a great way to avoid someone if you don’t want to talk

What does she want from you?  What every woman wants from a man – confidence and a bit of a challenge.  This is how you “should be”.  She probably senses your over-eagerness and lack of confidence.  These are never attractive qualities in either men or women. 

Since she is in her late 30’s, I’m assuming she is more traditional and wants to let the man do the pursuing.  She’s willing to show interest with the texts, but expects you to be the man and do the calling.   So continue pursuing her.  If she responds favorably and wants to see you, she’s interested.  If not, she’s not!  It’s that simple!

I Want to Settle Down

Hi Lucia,

I've just met another much younger guy (16yrs) and we’ve both fallen for each other. I want to settle down but I don't think I have found the right guy. I can't seem to be interested in guys my age or older than me.

I had an earlier relationship with another guy 25 years younger and he still wants to continue the relationship. I’ve kept away from him because he is too young, even though I still have feelings for him.

I want a man to settle down with and my honest feeling is he should NOT be much younger and at the same time he must be matured. I can't see myself with an older guy.

I want to know the difference between a "feeling" and "love".  Chi Chi

Hi Chi Chi,

Many people get into trouble because they base their decisions only on their feelings.  Think of your mind as the sky and feelings as clouds.  Just as clouds change and disappear from the sky, so it is with feelings.  They are always changing, that’s why you can’t use only feelings to make a decision about your future.

Love is based on respect and admiration.  You may have strong feelings or chemistry with someone, but you may not always respect them.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to settle down with a younger man, however I would advise you to pick someone over 30, if you are looking for something that has a better chance of going the distance.  As long as he is ready and willing to make a commitment, the fact that he’s younger should not be a problem.

Should I Stop Seeing My Cub?

Hi Lucia,

I'm an older woman who has been dating a 21 year old  guy for 3 months now.  It is an amazing connection.  However, I keep holding back because I feel concerned that he is so young and I wonder: what is the point to this?

He has no immediate plans for a serious relationship and while I would like one, I am not out there looking either. My relationships are not usually long-lasting!

He says he doesn't care about the age difference and does not hesitate to have me meet his mother. I have been putting that off.

Should I quit this amazing connection while I am ahead?  Lisa

Hi Lisa,

Guys go through 3 stages – knight, prince and king.  A knight is usually in his 20s, still finding out who he is, what he likes and what he wants to be when he grows up.

It is of course flattering to have such a young man attracted to you, however the attention span of people in their early 20s is not known for being very long. 

You should enjoy this while it lasts while also dating others, but the chances of it turning into a long term relationship are very low.