My Thoughts on the Demi/Ashton divorce

I know many people are going to say the marriage between Ashton and Demi didn't work out because of their 15 year age difference but I disagree.  It ended due to infidelity. 

Here is a slideshow of 50 celebrity marriages that were shorter than Ashton and Demi's:

Celebrity Marriages

Demi...and You: Mistakes Cougars Make

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore have been all over the news lately because of Ashton's rumored infidelity.  Though a split was considered inevitable, Demi was recently spotted on the red carpet still wearing her wedding ring.  Trouble in Cougar Paradise?

It's not an uncommon problem for Cougars...if you want to keep a 'Cub', you should know the possible pitfalls.  Here are some 'musts to avoid' that can help both you and Demi when dealing with a younger man:

That “know-it-all” attitude:  Just because you’re older, doesn’t mean you know everything.  He’ll know a few things you might not.  You’ll come across as condescending, and that’s never an attractive quality.  Don’t give him advice unless he asks for it, otherwise you will become his mother instead of his lover. 

The “Sugar Mama” trap:  Just because you may make or have more money than him, it doesn’t mean you always have to pay.  He’s still a man, and men instinctually want to provide – it makes them feel good, it makes them feel like men.  Don’t make the finances your sole responsibility, otherwise, you’re setting yourself up to be used.

Underestimating your Cub:  Just because he’s younger, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t know what time it is.  Younger guys these days are often very savvy – sexually and otherwise.  Stay away from anything referring to your age or his age, such as:  When I was younger; When I was your age, You’re too young to know this.  He knows there’s an age difference, there’s no need to keep reminding him.

Younger women are NOT your competition:   He’s with you because of your age, not despite your age.  You have many things to offer which women his age don’t:  knowledge, wisdom, life experience and no drama.  Acting younger to attract or keep a younger man is a turn off.  He expects you to be more mature and sophisticated.  If he wanted to be with someone younger, he would be.

Ignore those scornful stares:   Even though most of society is still against older women dating much younger men, it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.  It means Cubs find you attractive and interesting – and that’s certainly nothing to be ashamed of.  Men have been dating much younger women for years.  It’s time we got rid of the double standard!

How to Catch a Cougar

  

 From the beginning of time, hunters of all kinds had to learn tricks of the trade to capture their prey. These days, that rare and beautiful species, Cougarus humanus, or Cougar is a highly desired catch for many young men, or Cubs. So here are three steps to ensnaring us.

1. Make the Approach

Ironically, the Cougar is easier to approach in person than the younger women you may have hunted in the past. She is receptive to advances because she knows how hard it is for a Cub to risk rejection by putting himself in harm’s way, and she appreciates a man who appreciates her.

Having said that, the Cougar is far from a pushover. She expects a coherent, relevant conversation. “Nice weather we’ve been having,” won’t cut it in the Cougar world, and she’s heard all the cheesy pick-up lines that work on 23-year-olds but here will get you shot down in flames. Instead, try a reasonably intelligent question. If she’s drinking a fancy drink, ask whether it’s safe for a man to drink. If you’re in line at movie, ask what she’s heard about it. Then shut up and let her answer: just like hunting in the wild, it’s important to know when to be quiet!

Online hunting is trickier. Once you’ve tracked down the desired prey, forget one-liners or ‘winks.’ You have to work harder to get the exotic Cougar you crave. Clever, humorous openers are more likely to impress. Even though Cougars are interested in things like “looks” and “sexiness,” they have a large pool of Cubs to choose from, and will weed out those who are immature and classless. Trust me, the reward is well worth it.

2. Set the Trap

OK, you’ve made contact, and it’s time to ask for her number. Yes…Cougars use phones for talking. They’re old school like that. Save the text messages for your pals. You’ll have to actually call your Cougar, make conversation and ask for a date. If you can’t handle this quaint custom, you may not be able to capture your prey.

Online approaches are fine, if that’s where the initial contact was made. But she’ll likely want to hear your voice before agreeing to any in-person meetings, so again, you’ll need to make that call. Don’t be afraid to prepare some notes, in case you freeze when you hear her voice. But don’t worry too much…she may find it cute that you’re so nervous!

The old where-to-go-on-the-first-date question is doubly tricky with Cougars. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to impress her by taking her to the Opera, or to a restaurant you can’t afford. She knows you’re young and might not be established in your career (read: rich), so suggest something you can afford…because you will be paying for that first date. You want a Cougar, not a sugar mama. After a few dates, you can let her kick in, but first you have to show the respect that picking up the bill symbolizes.

3. Complete the Capture

You may have identified, corralled, and confronted your prey, but the capture is still before you. Once you are on the date, she’s interested. So don’t let her slip away with one of these deadly mistakes.

Playing games:  She knows all of them and no longer has the time or patience to play them. If you’re interested, say so. If there’s an issue, talk about it rather than being passive/aggressive or disappearing.

Flaking:  The fastest way to lose a Cougar is by saying you will do something and then not following through. Call when you say you will, show up on time and be stand-up guy. She’s seen enough who aren’t to bail at the first sign of wishy-washy behavior.

Being sexually uninformed:   She’s probably more experienced than you are, so be open to suggestions and trying new things. Get over your macho inclinations in bed…this is a partnership. And please don’t be a minute man. She knows what great sex is and isn’t about to put up with a Speedy Gonzalez. Taking your time will go a long way toward keeping her around your cave. Which should be close to spotless, by the way.

So there you have it, the basics of pulling in that wonderful Cougar. Now be ready for a great new set of experiences. Let go of the tension and pressure you’ve experienced with younger ladies.  There are no daily tests or head games, just fun, pleasure and relaxation. Just don’t get lazy.  There are many more Cubs waiting to take your place, and you can only keep her by always showing you realize how lucky you are.

You’ve entered a world where you are appreciated, loved and wanted.  If you’re smart, it may just be the last hunt of your life.

Cougar Couple for Reality Show

Looking for Cougar/Cub couples to try out for a popular reality show on a major network. Interested couples should be outgoing, adventurous, and attractive with big personalities! Please respond to stevenf418@yahoo.com with names, photos, brief bio and contact info.

Cougars & Cubs for national TV Show

National TV show is looking for Cougars & Cubs who are in conflict with their children or families because they are dating younger/older. THERE IS PAY! Contact me ASAP:  lucia@urbancougar.com

Interview in French Elle

                                                                             

I was recently interviewed in French Elle about being a Cougar expert and my work with Urbancougar.com.  Hope you can read French!  LOL!  You can always use Google translate!  Read it here!

National TV Talk Show looking for Cougar/Cub Couple

A National TV Talk Show in New York city is looking for a Cougar couple.   The show will tape next week - free trip to New York, expenses paid.  Contact me asap for more info: lucia@urbancougar.com

How Can I Keep My Cougar Happy?

Hi Lucia,

I'm in my first relationship with an older woman and it's amazing!  I wish I'd thought of this sooner.  Everything is great and I want to make sure it stays that way.  Can you give me some tips on how to keep my Cougar happy?  Matt

Hi Matt,

Welcome to the Cougar Lifestyle!  More and more younger men are realizing that dating older women has many advantages that you don't get with younger women.  Here are 3 tips to assure that things continue to run smoothly:

Don’t play games.  She probably knows all of them and no longer has the time or patience to play them.  She's interested in "mature" younger men, not boys. If there’s an issue, talk about it, instead of being passive/aggressive or disappearing.

Keep your word:  The fastest way to lose a Cougar is by saying you will do something and then not follow through.  Call/show up when you say you will or send her a text to let her know what happened.

Be open to learning:  She’s probably more sexually experienced than you, so be open to listening to suggestions and trying new things.  Whatever you do, don’t be a “minute man”. She knows what great sex is and she’s not about to put up with “Speedy Gonzalez”.

Should I Marry My 22 Year Old Cub?

 Hello, Lucia,

I am a 36 year-old woman who is heavily involved with a 22 year old.  I have been divorced for 2 1/2 yrs., and have 2 beautiful little girls.  I’ve been seeing my gorgeous, younger guy for almost a year and a half.  

When we met, I was only divorced a short while and was merely looking for a good time, and so was he.  I must admit, I am a beautiful, sexy woman, who knows what I want, and have a reputation as a heartbreaker.  I have always refused to let a man make a fool out of me, because I have always known my value.  I am, however, deeply in love with my cub. We are so close, best friends, and have the best sex imaginable. 

I tried, for the first year, to end our relationship, but he is so head-strong, and has a way with me, like no other. He refused to let me go.  My family loves him, and his family loves me.  I have actually become extremely close to his mother.  He is so wonderful to my girls.  He has really become like a second father to them.  He is not a big partier, and always, always comes straight home to me.  He has NEVER put me off so he can be with his friends, and I have NEVER had a reason not to trust him.  

He says he wants to marry me, eventually, and wants us to have a child together. I never bring up marriage, or really discuss it with him at all. He is a very hard worker, and his mother says, he always has been. He helps me with my bills around the house, and he is my handy-man.  He truly is an old-soul, and the best partner I could possibly ask for.  He says he had been drinking, and partying since he was 15, and that it made him miserable.

I would love to marry him in a couple of years, but, rightfully so, am scared to death of making a mistake.  I have read your past blogs about men not really being ready until 25.  If this is wrong for me and my girls, I need to figure it out now.  Thanks so much, Lucia...I really enjoy your blog.    Felicia

Hi Felicia,

Wow, I have to admit, this guy sounds like a dream.  He seems to be the ideal partner except for the fact that he’s only 22, old soul or not.  Not only are most guys under 25 not ready to be married, their decision making ability (pre-frontal cortex) isn’t fully formed until then.

Although you mentioned wanting another child, that’s never a good reason to speed things up.  I would suggest you continue to date for a couple of years and see how you both feel at that time.  If things are as great as they sound, then time will only bring you closer together.

Good luck and thanks for showing the world that younger men who date older women are not just doing it for the sex – some of them actually want serious relationships!

10 Things Never to Say to a Cougar Online

One of the best places to meet a Cougar is on a dating site.   Here are 10 things never to say/ask when you contact a Cougar online.

1.   How old are you?  -  Does this even need to be said?  You’re either interested in her or you’re not.  Does it really matter how old she is if you think she’s hot?

2.    Hi /How are you? – One word or one line emails will get you nowhere.  About 50% of cubs who approach me online make this mistake.   What percentage do I respond to?  0%.  If you are emailing a Cougar for the first time and that’s all you have to say for yourself, good luck. 

3.   You look good for your age. – You may think this is a compliment, but mentioning a woman’s age is a back-handed compliment at best.  Why does it have to be ‘for her age’?   If she looks good, she looks good.  Period. 

4.  Can I be your Cub?  -  Would you ever say “Can I be your boyfriend” to a stranger?  Probably not.  It’s something that either just happens naturally or is discussed in “the talk”.   You may be trying to be funny, but it sounds like you’re either desperate or you want to be a pet! 

5.  Have you had botox?  - Asking about any cosmetic procedure is “très gauche”.  If she wants you to know whether she’s had any work done, she’ll tell you.  As long as you think she’s hot, who cares?

6.  I love Cougars. - This may sound like a compliment, but it’s not.  We don’t want you to be interested in us simply because we fit into a category.  We want you to want us for, well, us!  It would be the same as a woman saying, “I love athletes”.  It also sounds as if you’re leaving out the last part of the sentence, “I love Cougars and I want to have sex with as many of them as possible”. 

7.  Did you get my pictures? - A profile without photos immediately raises a red flag.  What are you hiding?  So if she asks for photos, and you don’t hear back, don’t write her again to see if she received them.  Yes, she did, and she’s not interested.  Move on.

8.  I hope there’s more to you than your beauty – And we hope there’s more to you than repeating lines someone gave you to try to shake our confidence.  Too many guys are using that line these days and it’s getting old.

9.  Tell me something interesting about yourself – Ugh! Can you be any more vague?  Not having a specific question makes you look like you have no conversational skills, and that is a major turn-off for Cougars.

10.  Call me. My number is 555-xxx-xxxx – This too makes you look desperate or not very discriminating – you’re giving your number to a complete stranger.  Women want to feel special, and by giving out your number without waiting to see if she will even respond to your email, she feels like just a number.

I'm Attracted to Much Older Cougars

Hi Lucia,

I’m 32 and I have a lovely partner who is nearly 40 yet I can’t help but feel attracted to much older ladies ranging from 45 to 60.  Is this normal and do most guys feel the same?  Nicky

Hi Nicky,

Guys who are into older women don’t usually care what the age is.  As long as they’re attracted to them, it doesn’t make a difference.  As women continue to take care of themselves, more and more women in their 50s and 60s will continue to look fantastic.  Although it will probably never be the norm, there will always be guys who will appreciate a vibrant, confident, sexy woman of any age!

Spandex Cub?

Hi Lucia,

I recently discovered your site and think it's/you are great! I am a 35 year old male that has gotten into a relationship with a woman who is 48 years old. I was previously seeing someone before that but the relationship fizzled out and I realized I am more turned on by older women.

So my new girlfriend (I guess we can call her that) is very fit and into working out.  When we are just relaxing, usually at her house, she loves to have me wear spandex around her - anything from shiny nylon to liquid leggings. She loves wearing it herself but loves how it looks on me. Being that she takes care of me, I'll do what it takes to make her happy.

I have been always very open to trying anything and making my partner happy.  I figure if she will do things for me I like, I'll return the favor.  I am curious if you can tell me if you think women when they hit a certain age go through a "mid-life crisis" sexually at some point?   Bobby

Hi Bobby,

Does it really matter whether there is a “mid-life crisis” or not?  Besides, I don’t see a crisis here – I see two people who are sexually open-minded enjoying each other.  As long as everything is consensual, enjoy!  

My Married Cougar is Verbally Abusive

Hi Lucia,

I’ve been dating a 44 year old married woman for 3 years.  I’m 33 and also married.  The problem we are having is that she does not put too much effort into our relationship. The sex is great and we get along, but when we get into argument, she is verbally abusive.  She tries to shut me down, doesn’t listen or look for solutions.  It seems she’s trying to gain the control and power she doesn’t have at home because her husband calls all the shots and treat her badly. 

I’ve tried my best to give this woman the emotional support and affection she has missed in the past but it has gotten to the point where she is just using me for sex when it’s convenient for her.

She recently sent me an email that ended with, “I'm sorry for everything that I've done in the past that wasn't up to your expectations...and for ruining your life.  That was never my intention - I guess I should have just left you alone.  You know how to reach me should you ever want to talk or need someone to vent to.  You will be my sunshine always and forever.  I love you.”

Do you think she wants a break or to end it?  Should let her go?  Bunny

Hi Bunny,

Should you let her go?  Hell, yeah!  You never should have let her come in the first place, literally and figuratively.  You fear that she’s just using you, but I have a newsflash for you:  when one or both of the parties in a relationship are married, they are using each other, since it has no future until they are both single.

I do not condone affairs, but if you’re going to have one, why pick someone who’s going to be verbally abusive?  Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of wanting to be with someone who makes you feel good, since you’re already dissatisfied in your marriage?

Anytime someone says something along the lines of, “Sorry for ruining your life” or “Have a nice life”, they are being manipulative and trying to get a reaction.  She’s not going anywhere, however I suggest you go back to your marriage and give your wife emotional support and affection, instead of someone else’s.

My 18 Year Old Cub Proposed!

                                                                          

Hi Lucia,

I really admire your work and think you are fantastic.  I am a 31 year old single mom with two young children.  I met my cub when he was just 17 and we fell head over heels in love.  I pushed him away until he turned 18, as hard as that was for the both of us.  He will be turning 19 this month.

He proposed to me on Christmas day and I said yes.  Is it wrong for me to marry a teenager of 19 when I am a 31 year old woman?  When we are together I don’t question it, but he is away for a couple of months and I’m starting to have doubts. He treats me so well and we are very happy together, as are my children. I don’t want to push him away again because of my fear of the age difference.  Karen

Hi Karen,

I don’t have an issue with the 12 year age difference, especially since it seems most Cougar/Cub relationships usually have at least a 15 year difference.  My issue is with his age.  A teenager has no business getting married, no matter how mature he may appear to be.  Scientists at the NIH campus at Bethesda, Maryland discovered that the part of the brain which weighs risks, makes judgments and controls impulsive behavior isn’t fully mature until age 25.   

I’m assuming you were married to your children’s father, so they’ve already been through one divorce.  Do you really want to put them in the unpleasant position of most likely having to go through another one?  Their mental and emotional well being should be your priority. 

You can certainly continue to date him and possibly consider marriage down the road, if you’re still together, however I see no need for marriage at this point.  Being head over heels in love is not a good enough reason to marry a teenager.

Why Am I Attracted to Older Women?

Hi Lucia,

I'm 25 and I am finding myself more attracted to older women – 32 and up.  Why is that?  Matt

Hi Matt,

Society has programmed guys to think they should only be attracted to nubile 20 something’s, so when they find themselves interested in an older woman (even if she’s only 7 years older), they question themselves.  As women continue to take care of themselves and maintain their looks, there’s no reason why men can’t still find them attractive, just because they are over 30 or 40.

Besides the physical appearance, they have many other desirable personality traits such as confidence, comfortable with their sexuality, life experience, knowing what they want and not being afraid to communicate it.  There is also usually less drama associated with an older woman.  She will not call/text you 10 times a day or want to know where you are every minute. 

The lifestyle is becoming more and more acceptable, so there’s no need to be embarrassed or ashamed.  If you’d like to date older women, go for it!  Welcome to the Cougar Revolution!

I've Always Dated Cougars!

Hi Lucia,

Wow I'd never heard of this website until today - enjoyed exploring it.

I'm a 28 year old guy who has always dated ladies over 40. I would never date anything less.  I have discovered a lot of people are afraid to come out of the closet when they are in these relationships and I would love to encourage people to come out and realize what they are doing is not morally wrong. These relationships can be more successful than any other.

I would love to volunteer with you Lucia to encourage more people to follow their heart but also carry their brain in these relationships.

Let me know if there is a way to volunteer my time.

Clive

Hi Clive,

Thanks for your interest.  I'll definitely keep you in mind!

Is There A Future with a 22 Year Old?

                                                                              

Hi Lucia,

I recently started dating a 22 year old – I’m 42.  I gotta say, he’s so sweet and loving.  At the same time, I wonder what he's doing?  I’m really feeling him and I'm afraid I'm thinking about him or considering him too much. 

I know and understand he deserves a life where he would marry a woman that can give him a family.  We haven’t discussed this but I did tell him "This is what it is, sooner or later, it has to be over.”  He has been distant since then, but we have a cruise scheduled for next month.  How should I be taking this all?   I do feel he cares for me deeply.   Zatima

Hi Zatima,

Yes, guys in their early 20s are sweet and loving, and one of the reasons is because they’re idealistic about love.  You and I both know the chances of this leading to marriage or a long term commitment are slim to none, but he wants to believe that maybe, somehow, it might.  When you told him there was no future, you burst his bubble.  I wouldn’t have recommended that you say that to him, however, you obviously can’t take it back. 

Now you need to do some damage control.  Luckily, you have a cruise planned.  Pick a moment when you are both relaxed and in a great mood – maybe after sex - and say something like, “It feels great to be with you.  I know I said this will be over sooner or later, but you never know what might happen!”  Smile, give him a kiss and never bring the subject up again!

Where Can I Find A Cougar?

Hi Lucia,

I'm a personal trainer in Los Angeles and I've found myself more attracted to much older women because they seem to know what they want and have little or no shame in being who they want to be.  I could go on for days as to why older women are just so much more appealing but I'll spare you.

My problem is that I'm a young, handsome man in very good shape but I am finding it hard to meet older women. How do I go about finding older women that are into young men?  I have no clue what places to go to or even what sites to join. I prefer being able to look someone in the eye and talk with them but I'll take what I can get.  Rick

Hi Rick,

Hmm, let’s see.  A young, handsome, in shape guy in Los Angeles can’t find an older woman?  Somehow, I find that hard to believe, especially since most Cougars work out, so they are right in front of you – at the gym!

You can also try book stores, hotel bars, upscale restaurants and museums.  In terms of sites, I would recommend joining the free community at www.urbancougar.com, where there is also a list of Cougar Dens, as well as a link to the dating site www.thecougarconnection.com

Can this Cub be Trusted?

Hello Lucia,

I met this young man who expressed an interest in me.  He would usually call to find out how I was doing and so on.  Recently he asked me to visit him which I gladly did because he had visited me at home before.  

When I arrived he was not well dressed and I suspected he was up to something.  After some time I asked to leave but he said I should spend the night at his place which I declined.  Then he proposed that I should find time and spend one week end with him which I have not.

Now he doesn't call me as he used to.  When we first me he asked me if I was going to marry him.  He wanted me to take him to meet my parents.   I suspect he is up to something.   Can he be trusted?  What should I do?  Joyce

Hi Joyce,

Who says you have to do anything?  That’s the great thing about being the woman.  It’s up to the man to make the moves and for you to say “yay” or “nay”. 

It sounds like he wanted to have sex when you went to visit him and because you didn’t, he’s lost interest.  It doesn’t matter what he said when you first met.  Anyone can say anything.  Always look at actions first, not words.

If he calls you, great.  If not, move on.  There are plenty of fish in the sea!

I'm Distraught Over My Cougar!

Hi Lucia,

I'm 25 and dating a woman who is 44.   Someone joked about our age gap and ever since then, she's been very distant. She doesn't talk to me everyday or stay with me like she used too.   I've been very distraught over this and I’ll admit I've cried a few times because I feel she has no idea how much I love and care about her. Tony

Hi Tony,

I’m so sorry to hear you’re so upset.  She’s probably feeling embarrassed and ashamed, even though she’s not doing anything wrong.  Unfortunately, not everyone has a thick skin.

I would suggest you let her know you’d like to see her, even if it’s only in private.  I don’t see why she’d have an issue with that, unless there’s something else going on. 

I would also suggest you email her the link to my blog, so that she can see there are a lot of Cougar/Cub couples in the world who are not concerned about what other people think!  Good luck.

My Cub is Very Shy

Hi Lucia,

I'm 48 and my cub is 22.  We met online and have never met in person. We message each other daily. With men my own age I usually play somewhat aloof and do not accept daily chatter, however this young man is 26 years my junior and admittedly VERY SHY.

How should I treat him?   I don't want to lose him, but don't want to have him taking me for granted.  I also plan on not sleeping with him for 2 months.   What would you advise?

Hi Elle,

He’s 22!  Shy or not, he doesn’t have much life experience, never mind dating experience.  I don’t see this as something that’s going to be a long term thing.  Guys in their early 20s generally just want to have sex.  So, although he should treat you with respect, there’s not a lot you can do to make sure he won’t take you for granted.  In many ways, he’s still a kid.

It’s your choice when you sleep with him, but this is one of the few times when it really doesn’t matter – it’s not likely to change the outcome.  If he doesn’t want to have sex again after the first time, it doesn’t matter how long you waited and vice versa.

Will Cougars Date Teenage Cubs?

Hi Lucia,

Do Cougars ONLY look for 21+ age or will they also go for 18+.  Peter

Hi Peter,

It depends on the Cougar.  Most prefer guys over 21 for two reasons.  The first is so that they will be able to go to bars and clubs with them and the second is because they don’t like the thought of dating a teenager, especially if they have teenage children themselves.

However, there are some who have no problem dating someone who is not yet 21, especially if he is mature for his age.  Only thing you can do is ask!

Thank you!

Hi Lucia,

 

No questions at this time (although the more I date, the more I seem to have-LOL), but I just wanted to take the time to thank you for all you do for we mature singles out here in the dating world today.  I think you provide invaluable advice for and wonderful understanding of both single men and women involved in modern-day dating, especially those coming out of previous long-term relationships for the first time in a while.

I always look forward to reading your frequent new posts and tweets very much. If you ever want my humble male opinion on anything romance-related, I would be glad and honored to offer it to you.  Again, thanks for all you do for Baby-boomer and Gen-X singles everywhere.

Keep up the great work!  Allan

 

 

Hi Allan,

 

Thanks, I really appreciate you taking the time to write to me.  It's nice to know I'm having a positive influence on people's dating lives!

25 Year Old in a 40 Year Old Body

Hi Lucia,

I’ve dated all across the age spectrum, but I always come back to older women.  Without fail, the younger ones do not have the “texture” that holds my interest, much less the class, elegance, poise and life experience that I appreciate in a high-caliber woman.  I found it funny a few years ago when the term Cougar came into the lexicon.  I guess you could say that I loved cougars before Cougars were cool.

Just over a year ago, my sweetie and I broke up.  We had been together for 5 ½ years and she was most definitely the love of my life and in my belief (and those of more than one psychic and intuitive), my soul mate or as some would say, one of them.

The breakup wasn’t my choice and frankly, it was devastating to me.  To this day, I’m still very much in love with her and would marry her tomorrow.  I’m 40, she’s 53.  The age matters to me not one bit.  I find her to be the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known and when I see her, I see God.  That may sound hokey, but it was actually a deeply spiritual relationship and that was an area we both shared very much.

The reason for the demise of the relationship was because I hit a rough spot in my life and found out I actually wasn’t as grown-up as I thought I was.  It became apparent that in many ways I was a 25 year old in a 40 year old body.  That is not good for an older woman who is elegant, classy and sophisticated and needs a mature, responsible man in her life, soul mate or not.

I’ve spent the last year “in the desert” and I’ve grown up.  How can I convince her of this so that we can start to rekindle what we had?   Mick

Hi Mick,

Your email got my attention when I read, “when I see her, I see God.”  I wonder how many other men feel that way about their women but didn’t have a way to describe it?

Congratulations for working on yourself.  Better late than never!  The only way you can convince your ex that you’ve changed is over time through your actions, not words.  “Don’t talk about it, be about it”.

I don’t know if you’re still in contact with her or not.  Either way, invite her out to dinner.  Tell her that you’ve worked on yourself, addressing the specific issues that led to the break up.  Don’t try too hard to sell it.  This should be a casual conversation before the dessert arrives.

See how she responds and tell her you’d like to start rebuilding a friendship.  Do not try to jump right back into dating.  She will probably be cautious, wondering if you really have grown up.  Let things unfold slowly and naturally, and you should be okay.

Heal a Broken Heart

Getting your heart broken has got to be one of life's biggest sorrows. After a break up, it's important to find ways to fix your broken heart so you can keep moving on down life's road. Heartache is not easy to overcome, but you need to get on with your life.

Heartbreak is a pain like any other. It is an emotional pain so bottomless that it can feel like a physical blow. When you have a pain like this one, all you want is for the deep ache to go away. As much as I’d like to advise differently, there is no band aid for a broken heart. Though it sounds clich้, time is the remedy needed for you to truly heal from such a deep, wrenching pain. In time, this pain will go away. Between now and then, however, following a few basic tips might be able to make the difference in how you are feeling.

1. Cry: You are going to feel like rubbish for the first few weeks. Depending how emotional of a person you are, you may feel like crying for days. Go ahead. A significant change has occurred in your life; a painful change. There is no way to expect that you will feel a little sadness and be able to shut it off with a switch. It’s just not that simple. Allow yourself to grieve for your loss. But not too long! Staying in the past for too long can only hurt you. See rule number 4.
2. Talk to Someone Close: Use the shoulder of someone who cares about you to get out your feelings. This is a way to purify your soul by letting someone in to share your pain. Let them listen, comfort you, and offer advice. You don’t necessarily have to take that advice, but sharing this comfort can make you feel better. Make sure you only allow yourself to grieve and lean on someone for a time because you need to move forward.
3. Distract Yourself: Bring friends you care about back into your life. Maybe having the relationship was keeping you from spending time with your parents, or siblings. Maybe you hadn’t talked to your best friend in weeks. Surround yourself with this support network. Getting things that need to be done around the house done is a great way to get lost in a project. Go to the gym. Organize your closet. Get out and take a walk. Distracting yourself is a great stepping stone to moving on with your life. This brings us to rule number 4.
4. Look toward the Future; Forget the Past: Once you have allowed yourself the indulgence of grieving for a part of your life that is now past, look forward! There is a definite need to be able to start a new chapter in the book of your life. Now that you are past the sadness and anger, it is time for hope and renewal that will help you to move on. Take time out for yourself; get to know yourself as a single individual instead of as part of a couple. Replenish your soul by becoming you again.

Following these sometimes difficult, but necessary steps, you can begin to heal the broken pieces of your heart. You can not only become whole again, you can become whatever you wish to become. This is a chance to start fresh, and once the pain starts to ease, you will see it as such an opportunity.

I'm 66 and He's 39

Hi Lucia,

I am 66 and have been with my 39 year old boyfriend for two.  We are more in love now than when we met.  I look very young for my age but regardless I am what I am.  We have great sex and laugh so much. We do not live together and that is because I have been keeping it this way.  

We see with our friends separately because of the age difference.  I have a few friends who are very cool with our relationship but are much older than him too.  We live in such a small town we are talked about and I think most women are just plain jealous. 

We both want more but are a little nervous about how to present this to our families.  I have been slowly meeting his brothers and he has met my sisters but now there are more family members soon to arrive. 

His family doesn’t know how old I am.  They think I am 50 and the mom freaked out because she was worried about grandchildren.   Yasmin

Hi Yasmin,

Ah yes, the problem with the potential mother in law.  Isn’t it funny how, now matter how old someone is, they are still concerned about their partner’s mother?

I would not suggest you reveal your age.  It’s not because there’s anything to be ashamed of, I just don’t think that there’s no need to bring it up.  They are already concerned about an “11” year age difference, so I don’t think they’d be too thrilled to find out it was actually 27.  In either case, it’s really no one’s business.  If anyone asks, you or your boyfriend can remind them it’s not polite to ask about a woman’s age.

As for concern about grandchildren, if your boyfriend’s loves her son, her first priority should be that he is happy and in love with a woman who is good for him.  If all she cares about is grandchildren, then she is only thinking of herself.  Why should he have to sacrifice being with the woman he loves, in order to fulfill her wishes?  Everyone is free to date or marry who they want (well, except for gay people) and to choose whether or not to have children.

Keep in mind you’re not doing anything wrong.  Some family members will accept the situation and some won’t, however that is their business, not yours.  Don’t try to convince anyone of anything they’re not ready to accept.  Just be an inspiration of how two people in love treat each other and you will hopefully eventually win everyone over.

My Cougar Won't Return My Calls

Hi Lucia,

About three months ago I began dating an older woman who happens to be 39 years old.  I am 27.  We've been on a couple of dates since then and have been getting on just great, but in the past month I have not heard from her at all. 

I'm guessing it might just be my insecurities, but I feel that I may have been given the flick!  I've tried getting in contact with via email and by phone but alas to no avail. I've really fallen for this woman.  Ossie

Dear Ossie,

I’m glad you wrote to me, because it proves that older women are not always the ones who are chasing younger men.  More often than not, it’s the other way around!

I don’t have enough information to make an educated guess as to what may have happened.  However, I do know that continuing to try to get in touch with her is just going to make matters worse.

You need to leave her alone.  If she wants to get back in touch, she will. If you really were getting along great, at some point, she will pop up again.

In the meantime, if you find that you prefer dating older women, I suggest you join the community at Urbancougar.com or a Cougar dating site such as The Cougar Connection.

Bitten by the "Cougar Bug"

Hi Lucia,

I met a flight attendant last year.  We only spent an evening together, but she left a lasting impression on me.  I am 21 and she was fifteen years older.  Since then I have not been able to get over the difference between her and the other women I have dated.  I have decided to only date older women from now on, at least for a while. I've just had it with those silly college girls. My question: where do I start?  The oldest women in my circle of friends are maybe three to six years older than me. I want to meet more in their thirties and forties.  Martin

Hi Martin,

You've been bitten by the "Cougar bug"!  You may think you'll be able to do it "for a while" but you will probably find it difficult to go back to women your age or younger.

Urbancougar.com offers 3 ways to meet Cougars.   Check out the Cougar Den section, to see where the older women in your city are hanging out.  You can also sign up for the free community, which has members all over the world.  Finally, sign up on Cougar dating site The Cougar Connection.

Response: Is It Wrong to Have Sex With a Cougar?

Dear Lucia,

Recently you told a 21 year old man who was having great sex with a 52 year old woman to “do his thing.”  If this were a 52 year old man having "great sex" with a 21 year old girl, would you be as encouraging to "do your thing", or would you castigate the man for being a disgusting old man taking advantage of a girl with severe daddy issues, young enough to be his daughter ?  Be honest.  Peter

Dear Peter,

Older men have been having sex with much younger women for ages.  If a 21 year old girl wants to have sex with a 52 year old man, that's her business, and it's not necessarily because she has "Daddy issues."

I'm Attracted to a 19 Year Old Cub

Dear Lucia,

I recently met a guy at a friend’s party.  He didn't tell me his real age when we first met because he said I wouldn't have given him a second glance. The moment we first laid eyes on each other and started talking we hit it off right away, everything faded and it felt like it was just the two of us.

We saw each other again a week later and that's when he told me he was 19.  I was in shock, I didn't know what to say or do.  I became cold and distant to this person who I thought was good for me.  He didn't act 19, his mind isn't 19.  He's smart, he treats me well, he makes me happy, we're compatible on so many levels and he's warm, kind and sweet.  Am I wrong to date him?  In shock

Dear In shock,

It’s interesting to note that if you were a man, you would probably not be writing in to ask me whether you should be dating a 19 year old girl!  Luckily, the double standard that exists in dating regarding age differences is slowly going away.  I believe in 5-10 years, it will no longer be an issue.

You didn’t tell me your age, but it doesn’t matter.  He treats you well, makes you happy, is warm, kind and sweet and you’re compatible on many levels.  Are you wrong to date him?  You’re wrong not to date him.  Enjoy yourself and don’t be too concerned about whether or not it will last.  

Is It Wrong To Have Sex With a Cougar?

 

Hey Lucia,

My friends think I’m crazy because I’m 21 years old and I’ve been having GREAT sex with a 52 year old divorced woman.  We both know it’s just for sex.  Is this wrong?  Joe

Hey Joe,

There is nothing wrong with having great sex with an older woman.  You get the benefit of her experience!  Great sex can be hard to come by, so since you both know it's just about the sex,  why put an end to a good thing?  Your friends are probably secretly jealous.  Do your thing!

I'm In Love With A Cougar

Dear Lucia,

I am in love with a woman I’ve been dating for a month.  How do I make her fall in love with me?  I am 24 yrs old and she's older, but I don't know how old.  I invited her for lunch but she didn't show.  I also invited her last Sunday and again she didn't show up.  I tried her cell phone but she was not picking up.  I was a bit down because we arranged to meet and she didn't show up.  How do I make her understand I'm in love with her?  Please help me.  Derrick

Dear Derrick,

It’s very hard to convince someone of something that isn’t true.  The truth is that you are not in love with her.  I know it, she knows it and maybe somewhere inside you, you know it.  You make be infatuated and obsessed, but you certainly can’t love someone after only one month.  Love develops as a result of getting to know someone.  You don’t even know how old she is!

Although it’s not right for her to stand you up, the reason she’s doing it is because you’re creeping her out.  She’s doesn’t want to turn you down, so she pretends she’s going to see you and then doesn’t show up.  Even if you haven’t said, “I love you” to her, your actions and attitude are showing her that you are way too into her after only one month.  You’re coming across as desperate and unrealistic and that is never attractive.  We all want to be with someone strong.  Someone who is willing to put up with being continually stood up is not strong.  Are you sure you’re even dating?

If there is to be any hope for you, you need to back off immediately.  Don’t call her for a week.  When you do call, don’t ask her out.  Have a short, pleasant conversation and get off the phone.  You can ask her out the next time you talk.  If she doesn’t show up again, she’s not interested or she’s lost interest in you as a result of your actions.  At that point, all you can do is learn from your mistakes and move on.

                       

Relaxed Phylogenetics and Dating with Confidence

You want to make a great impression, but you've suddenly turned into a nervous gibbering wreck, convinced that you aren't attractive, intelligent or successful enough for your date. Relax. Here's a foolproof plan to gain confidence when dating.

Dating can be a nerve-wracking experience for many people. After all, you could be meeting your future spouse. It can also be a very vulnerable experience. The whole point of dating (usually) is to get to know someone else on an intimate level, or at least beginning this process. For whatever reason, and there are many, most people want to make a good first impression. At the very least, most people want to avoid rejection. Dating is a prime opportunity for this by its very nature. Whether you're looking for a fun night out or a long term development, rejection can occur either way, and it can be difficult to deal with. Self-doubt can come in many forms, from questioning one's intelligence to one's looks to one's ability to tell a good joke. Dating puts it all out there.

How can you increase your confidence when it comes to dating? There are a few things you can do, and certain methods are more appropriate for some people than others.

First Things First

A date is just a date. It is not the rest of your life. Yes, you may meet your future spouse, but this is far beyond the scope of the date. At this point, no matter how desperate you may be feeling to finally settle down, focus only on the date. Putting more pressure on it makes it harder for both of you. The other person is likely to sense your "desperation" (for lack of a better word), and you end up putting way to much pressure on yourself. Instead, try focusing on the date itself, not where it may or may not lead. Enjoy the time together, or, if you don't, try to avoid blaming yourself and going into the litany of self-talk that tries to convince you that you're not worth dating, you'll never find someone, and that you'll be single for the rest of your life.

Be Yourself

Yes, you've heard it many times before, and there's a reason for it. If you do hit it off with the other person, it's best if this happens when you're being true to yourself. If you're "faking" it, you're then faced with coming forward and facing humiliation, rejection, or both, or continuing the facade. This takes a lot of effort, it's dishonest, and you can't keep it up for very long anyway. So whatever your faults, try not to hide them too much. This doesn't mean that you put them all out on the table on the first date, but it also means that you don't go to extreme measures trying to hide them or pretending to be something or someone you're not.

Get Out of Yourself

To help deal with your insecurities about yourself, try focusing on the other person. Show a genuine interest in what he or she has to say. Be honest and courteous in your responses. Let the other person have the spotlight. Not only does this help keep you from focusing on your insecurities, it also helps accomplish what dates are meant to do--get to know someone else better. Ask questions, listen to the answers, and ask more. Talk about common interests when you find them. Above all, try to avoid talking about yourself the whole time or worrying too much about how you look, what you're saying, and what type of impression you're making.

Try Something Different

If the idea of sitting through a quiet dinner with someone you barely know makes you break out into a sweat, consider dating activities that involve a bit more involvement. Take a tour through a garden, go rollerblading, or do some other activity that keeps you moving. If you have something to do, you can focus less on feeling awkward and more on the conversation. It helps keep the atmosphere lighter as well, which can make you both feel more comfortable and confident.