A Cub Wants to Marry Me

Hi Lucia,

I dated a much younger guy a couple of times about a year ago.   I was attracted to him, our dates went well, but I viewed him as a partying type.

Since our last date, he called me about four times to touch base.  He was having financial problems and had moved out of town.  Recently, he contacted me again after having moved back here.

During this call, he told me he missed me, had been thinking about me for a long time, loved me and wanted to marry me.   I told him that he had not really called me that much over the last year for me to believe that missed me.  He said he had been moving around to get financially on track and he would start calling me again.

The last few days, he has been calling, but it still feels strange.  He talks about making a life with someone, being lonely, not wanting an uncaring or flighty type, and feeling like he wasted the last ten years of his life partying and spending money.   

I’m single and would like to have the right guy.   I don’t want to date anyone who is insincere about me.  It's been a long journey to get to this point and I can pretty much see the guys coming who want the ruby instead of the diamond.  Should I continue to talk to this guy if I suspect this is what is going on?  I am feeling a little cautious about the whole thing.  Cautious

Hi Cautious,

Good for you for listening to your feelings instead of just going with the chemistry.  When trying to figure out what to do, first look at what your gut feelings are, then look at the person’s actions and only then, look at their words.

You are right in being cautious.  His words are totally out of context with his actions.  If you had been dating for at least a year in the same city and then he said he wanted to marry you, that would be one thing, but his marriage talk is currently out of left field.

You can certainly continue to talk to him and go out, but until you’ve been dating consistently for a year or so, don’t take his marriage talk seriously.

My Cub is 23 Years Younger!

Dear Lucia,

I met a young man 23 years younger than myself online playing a game.  We ended up falling for each other 3 months into the game and then 3 months later we met each other. 

We had so much in common even with the age difference.  It was a long distance relationship but we fell in love.  We were together for a year after we met, and then we both started feeling strange about the way people would look at us when we held hands or hugged. 

After a few months, we decided it would be best to just be friends, and it has been so difficult.  I love him so much; want to be with him all the time and I just don’t know what to do anymore. 

Is this normal?  I was married for 25 years and never ever had the type of relationship with my ex that I had and still have with my friend.  We laugh, cry, tell each other things that no one else ever knew.  Can we still keep this relationship alive without the love making and still have the love exist?  We both think we can, but others tell us we are just kidding ourselves.  Cel

Dear Cel,

Welcome to the wonderful world of younger men.  People who have not experienced it for themselves, can’t believe that an older woman would be able to have a strong connection with someone so much younger, but you and I both know better.

As I’ve always said, the reason there can be such a connection is because it’s about energy, not age.  You’re connecting on a deeper, soul level, and of course, the soul is ageless.

If you are in love and want to be together, then go for it.  Who cares what other people think or say? It’s none of their business.  They are simply stuck in an outdated way of looking at things and don’t know how much they’re missing out!

It can be so difficult to find someone you deeply connect with, that when you actually do, you need to follow your heart.

I'm 19 and my Cougar is 41

Dear Lucia,

I am 19 years old and am currently in a physical relationship with a woman who is 41 years old. We do go out to eat and spend time together every now and then. I find myself interested in wanting a more serious relationship.

I understand that plenty of people think the age difference is too large but for someone my age, I have a lot going. I currently work two jobs and attend a very prestigious college. I am earning about 40k a year. It may be enough to get me through school and put away for savings but not quite support her.

She is struggling with expenses and had been laid off and is working at the gym that I work out in. She works behind the counter there and one day we started talking. She kept telling me how she liked my hair.  I thought to myself why not just ask her if she is really interested or just flirting.

We are great friends, have a lot in common, and just love being around each other. I will be starting a fairly good job with Chase Manhattan Bank at the end of this year and will be able to provide for her financially, so finances won't be an issue.

How I go about telling her?  What do you think I should say or do?  If everything works out with her, how do I go about explaining this to my family?  My mother is not the issue being that my father got transferred down to Atlanta so the both of them are far away, but I take care of my grandmother from time to time. She is very traditional and set in her ways and I have a very good relationship with her.

She has helped me pay for school and let me stay at her place until I found the right apartment. I am thankful for everything my grandmother has done, but I don't want anyone to get in the way of my happiness. I want to be sure my family accepts her and treats her well. Any advice or assistance you could give me would be greatly appreciated.  Michael

Dear Michael,

Wow.  Are you sure you’re only 19?  There are guys twice your age who don’t have your maturity, so bravo.

Are you sure about wanting to have a serious relationship with this woman?  You’re not at all interested in “sowing your wild oats”, so to speak?

Even if you want to get more serious, how do you know she wants to?  She may be totally surprised that you are considering moving things to the next level.  Why don’t you have a conversation about where things are headed and see where she stands on all this?  With your maturity level, I know you won’t have a problem finding the right thing to say.

In terms of the finances, I don’t think your lady is expecting you to support her.  As long as you can pull your own weight financially in the relationship, that’s all that matters.

As to your family, why don’t you cross that bridge when you get to it? 

How to Meet a Cougar at the Gym

Hi Lucia,

I see this woman almost everyday at the gym.  I’m 24 and she looks like she could be 35 at the most.  We constantly exchange looks throughout the 1.5 hours we're there. However, it’s like high school where if I catch her, she’ll look away quickly or if she knows I’m looking, she’ll do something sexy in my direction!

I finally found the courage to greet her and ask for her name (outside of the gym for privacy, and no eyes!) as she was leaving to go back to work.   She faced me with the biggest smile and gave me her name (no hesitation).  I gave her mine, shook her hand and told her it was a pleasure to finally meet her and that she was gorgeous!  The smile she had never left her face throughout the conversation, even as she was walking up the stairs as we parted.

How can I tell for sure if she is interested so I can make my move?  Are there any other signs I can look for?  How can I grab her attention/interest more?  Marcus

Hi Marcus,

You’re certainly very observant!  You’ve already made your move.  She definitely seems interested to me.  Now you want to build on that.  Do not ask her out just yet.  You want to build some anticipation.

When you see her, if it’s convenient and appropriate, have brief conversations with her.  That means that if she’s on the other side of the gym, you don’t head over there unless you were already planning on going in that direction.  If she’s talking to someone, don’t stand around waiting for them to stop talking.  Walk by and wave hello.  You don’t want to appear too anxious.

The times you do talk to her, you can observe her body language.  Does she show her teeth when smiling, play with her hair, touch herself (not there!) or touch you on the arm, shoulder, etc.  These are all signs that she’s interested, especially if she touches you.  When women are interested in someone, they want to touch him.  If they’re not, the last thing they want to do is touch him!

You can ask her out after talking with her for about a week or two if she has shown signs of interest and after you’ve confirmed that she is single.  Otherwise, she may be attached and was simply flirting.

Is He Just Using Me?

Dear Lucia,

I have been seeing a guy for about 2 months.   I am 35 and he is 30.  According to him, he is only dating me.  We have never had the "talk" yet we joke around about not being boyfriend and girlfriend.

Normally we talk 1-2x a day, text each other between 5-15x a day and see each other 2-3x a week.

I know that his ex girlfriend broke up with him 5 months ago.  He recently told me that he was dating a woman in her 40s when he met his ex, who is also 30.  He said he broke up with the older woman when he began to fall in love with his ex.

I didn't ask him for how long exactly he was dating his ex before he knew that he was falling in love.  He told me that the older woman went nuts on him and hacked into his email, wrote emails to his ex.and other crazy stuff.

He sounded like he just didn’t understand why the older woman went crazy on him since he, "Never told her that he loved her.”  He said that they had a good time and had fun together.

He loves to come over to my house, he loves to spend the night (if it was up to him, I even think he would move in) and he loves my expensive car. I am now wondering if I am the new older woman until he meets someone to fall in love with.

On our dates he does take me out for dinner and to the movies, but because of our schedules, 70% of the time he comes over later at night, usually between
9-11pm.    We have had a few whole day dates, hiking and biking, but that can still just be considered "having fun".

How can I know if he comes over to my house to see me because he likes me and not just because he has 4 roommates and sleeps on the sofa but I on the other hand have a nice 2 bedroom house?

How can I make sure that he is not just killing time until he finds that new "girlfriend"?  My worst fear is that I get used.  Amy

Dear Amy,

The wonderful yet frightening thing about love, dating and relationships is that you don’t have a guarantee of what is going to happen.  It’s probably better that way because that is part of what makes it exciting.

However, I can certainly understand how you may be afraid of being used.  Whatever you’re concerned that he may be using you for, give him limited access to that and see if he sticks around.

If you want to make sure it’s about you and not your home, then do not let him sleep over all the time.  See how he reacts to that.  If you’re concerned about being used for your money, then make sure you’re not always the one to pay.  If you think it may be sex, then don’t always have sex and see what happens.

Until you know for sure, I would caution you to not get too emotionally involved.  This means that you should not project onto him qualities which you think he has or wish he had. 

It also means that you should not daydream about a future with him.   Live in the present moment.  Your imagination is not your friend at the beginning of any relationship.   Don’t start fantasizing about how great it would be to live together, go to Hawaii or get married.  This will cause the relationship to go off balance and you may be reading more into it than there actually is.

At the same time, keep in mind that 5 years is not that big an age difference, especially these days.  I would barely consider you an older woman.

In the end, only time will tell whether it’s about loving you or using you. 

Is This Cub Too Young?

Hi Lucia,

I met a very, very attractive successful younger man on line who lives in another state. We have passed the last several months talking via phone, email and IM. He has already said he will fly out to visit with me, which I am looking forward to.  He is 26 years old.  Can this really work?  

I tried asking my girl friends and family members but everyone just laughed and said, “No”.  I am a hopeless romantic.  Am I reading too much into this?  Hoping in Florida

Hi Hoping,

There is nothing wrong with being a hopeless romantic, as long as you are also a cautious romantic!  When you ask if this can work, I’m assuming you mean as a relationship.  That will depend on his level of maturity and what he’s looking for at this point in his life.  While some 26 year old men are ready to settle down, most aren’t.

Let him show you who he is.  Are the majority of your conversations sexual?  How hard will he be pushing to have sex when he comes to visit?  If you get the vibe that it’s just about sex, then it is.  A guy who is interested in a relationship will not want to offend you by bringing up sex too soon and too much.

As usual, time will tell.  So just lean back, relax and watch to see if he’s interested in you, or just in sleeping with you.

Bootycall Cougar?

Hi Lucia,

There is this guy who is 26 yrs old and we are attracted to each other. I’m 41. He comes into the salon I work at.  I saw him out one night and we ended up drinking and sleeping together. 

One night he called me to have drinks but it was brief.   The other night he called to see what I was doing. He was kind of buzzed. He came over and we messed around but didn’t sleep together. He kept telling me he wants to take me out on a real date but he is really busy with work He said he would get a hotel for my birthday and we would go out for dinner. 

I don’t know what to believe anymore. I was wondering what I should do about this? I do like younger guys and would like to date them, but it seems all they want is sex. How should I be acting towards this guy?

I think I know what you’re going to tell me I just need to hear it!  Rene

Hi Rene,

How you “act:” depends on what your goal is. Let’s clear up one thing.  All guys want sex, not just younger ones. You’re assuming that all younger guys want from older women is sex. While that certainly may be true for some, it’s not true for all. Some actually do want to go on dates and have relationships.  Most of the time, the ball is in the woman’s court. How you handle his “advances” often determines the outcome. This means that if you have sex right away, as you did,  it will be difficult to change that into a dating relationship.

If you want to date, then as with men of any age, you need to wait and let the guy show his interest by pursuing you.  This easily eliminates the guys who just want sex and are not willing to put in any “work”.

Don’t listen to what he says, but watch what he does. He can say that he wants to take you out, but until he actually does, it’s just small talk.  If you want to date him, then the next time he contacts you, let him know you will be happy to meet him out somewhere.  Don’t let him come back to your place or go back to his.