I'm Attracted to my Nephew's Teammate

Hi Lucia,

I am 36 and didn't have a boyfriend until I was 25.   I’ve only had one previous 11 year relationship but it was with a married man who was older.

I have a nephew in college who plays basketball.  I am finding myself attracted to some of his teammates.  I was intimate with one of them but afterwards he didn’t respond to my texts or calls.  I know he is still in the stage where he is curious about life and still enjoys playing around.  He might also be afraid because of our age difference and what people will say if they see us.

I think I'm starting to fall for him.  I feel lost.  I just want to talk or text him as much as I can.  I still want him even though he might just want to play.  I want to spend more intimate moments with him.  I always want to feel the happiness the feeling of being in love brings.

What should I do?  I want to be irresistible to him.  I might be stupidly in love.  Am I over reacting, and expecting too much from him?   Jenny

Hi Jenny,

What you are experiencing is called “limerence”.    It’s a state of intense romantic desire for another person. It’s an obsessional form of romantic love.  It’s characterized by intrusive thinking and excessive sensitivity to external events that reflect the disposition of the “limerent object” towards the individual.

You don’t have a lot of experience with dating, so it’s easy to understand how you may think you are in love.  It doesn’t sound as if he’s interested in you.  It doesn’t really matter if it’s because of his age or the age difference.

The best way to get over him is to start dating.  You have a lot of catching up to do.  Don’t get stuck on anyone who is not as interested in you as you are in him. 

His Ex is a Cougar

Dear Lucia,

I’m 31 years old, married to a 39 year old man for 4 years now. My husband’s previous relationship was with a woman 11 years older than him. She is a very nice lady, beautiful, funny and their relationship lasted for 4 years.  He left her for me 6 years ago

I’m envious that I don’t have the same experiences and the same confidence she has and I think that this is important for my husband.  He is very mature and very logical I’m very emotional and an artistic spirit.

They write to each other every 5-6 months but don’t ever speak on the phone.
A month ago my husband sent her an email that said, "I still think of you everyday".

She never ever writes back anything that seems erotic. I think she only wants his friendship.

Once when we had a fight he wrote to her, "My wife is so immature, she drives me crazy sometimes.”  What does he mean?  Do you think he wants to be with her again or that he is only friends?

I never feel "enough" for him.  There is always something missing and I don’t know what it is.  Sometimes I feel he is still in love with his ex. Other times I’m trying not to be so insecure.  I cry everyday thinking about how to deal with that.

He doesn’t know any of this is happening, he thinks everything is ok. I can’t let my self be happy.  My smile is fake; my heart is broken. Our relationship looks perfect, he seems very happy with me.

I m very confused.  What can I do to win this competition?  I know I may lose the game, but at least I can try, I really love him.  I want his children. But I can’t live under these circumstances with him.

I know it’s crazy that I check his email, but it’s the only way to know what’s going on. I want to stop that - I hate it.  It’s very hard for me because I can’t tell anyone how painful it is to spy in my husband’s email account and read things like that.  Vicky

Dear Vicky,

One of the cornerstones of any relationship, but especially marriage, is trust.  Your husband has not given you any reason not to trust him.  Writing to his ex twice a year is nothing.  This is about you and your insecurities.

I would suggest you speak to a therapist about what is going on.  You are threatened by his ex, and yet, he left her for you!  If he wanted to be with her, he would be.  If, however, you don’t seek help and get a grip on your issues, he may wish he was with her!

Manipulative Cub

Dear Lucia,

I recently met a man who is 10 years younger, very savvy, attentive, full of energy and successful.  He was very up front about being very interested & sincere and asked me out.   I said I had plans that day but would be available another day. After that he couldn’t find the time.

I have known 2 older men who treated me horrendously and had no energy.  I mentioned this to him, as I didn’t want the same thing from him.  There was loads of attraction on both sides, great sizzling emails wanting to do the boyfriend/girlfriend scenario (his idea). 

However, he has recently made a complete turnaround from extremely sizzling to extremely cold-hearted.  When I tried to call to wish him a happy birthday I got a gruff, “I’m in a meeting”.  When I mentioned buying him a fish for his exotic fish tank, I got a foul reaction saying, “You can’t afford it, but I can!”

At first he wanted to take me to dinner but then it was, “You don’t want dinner do you?” as though I’m not good enough.   He also mentioned he was a manipulator which was not what I read.  I was kind, friendly, tried to be compassionate & warm, mentioned I do have good values and like to wait for a good thing.  He said “I’m busy and will be busy for at least 20 months plus”, whereas he seemed to have the time before!  It was difficult to pin point him (switched his phone off).  I can’t get to know someone in a couple of weeks of conversation, which was mainly x- rated.

Do I continually self sabotage since I didn’t say yes straight away?  I was expecting something better from a younger guy with no cynicism and so much life.  I just got the same as the older blokes (which I know I am not suited to).  How can I be so wrong?

I hope you may be able to shed some light on where I have gone wrong, as he seemed completely upfront.  He mentioned he wanted to share himself and his home with someone yet he jumped around by being great one moment and cruel the next.

Am I the perennial sucker!  I am very disillusioned and my self esteem has plummeted to an all time low.  Ann

Hi Ann,

Please pick up your self-esteem.  You didn’t do anything wrong, except not see all the red flags.  I don’t care what this guy said about wanting a relationship and someone to share his home.  Don’t look at what a guy says, look at what he does.  If you had simply looked at his actions, you would not have missed the flags.

The only time you should look at what a guy says is when his conversation is x-rated.  That immediately tells you he’s just looking for sex.  A man who is interested in you is not going to risk offending you by talking like that, especially if he hardly knows you.

This guy is not looking for a relationship – at least not with you.  Forget him!

Is this Cub Using Me?

Dear Lucia,

I have been seeing a guy for about 2 months.   I am 36 and he is 30.  According to him, he is only dating me.  We have never had the "talk" yet we joke around about not being boyfriend and girlfriend.

Normally we talk 1-2x a day, text each other between 5-15x a day and see each other 2-3x a week.

I know that his ex girlfriend broke up with him 5 months ago.  He recently told me that he was dating a woman in her 40s when he met his ex, who is also 30.  He said he broke up with the older woman when he began to fall in love with his ex.

I didn't ask him for how long exactly he was dating his ex before he knew that he was falling in love.  He told me that the older woman went nuts on him and hacked into his email, wrote emails to his ex.and other crazy stuff.

He sounded like he just didn’t understand why the older woman went crazy on him since he, "Never told her that he loved her.”  He said that they had a good time and had fun together.

He loves to come over to my house, he loves to spend the night (if it was up to him, I even think he would move in) and he loves my expensive car. I am now wondering if I am the new older woman until he meets someone to fall in love with.

On our dates he does take me out for dinner and to the movies, but because of our schedules, 70% of the time he comes over later at night, usually between
9-11pm.    We have had a few whole day dates, hiking and biking, but that can still just be considered "having fun".

How can I know if he comes over to my house to see me because he likes me and not just because he has 4 roommates and sleeps on the sofa but I on the other hand have a nice 2 bedroom house?

How can I make sure that he is not just killing time until he finds that new "girlfriend"?
My worst fear is that I get used.  Amy

Dear Amy,

The wonderful yet frightening thing about love, dating and relationships is that you don’t have a guarantee of what is going to happen.  It’s probably better that way because that is part of what makes it exciting.

However, I can certainly understand how you may be afraid of being used.  Whatever you’re concerned that he may be using you for, give him limited access to that and see if he sticks around.

If you want to make sure it’s about you and not your home, then do not let him sleep over all the time.  See how he reacts to that.  If you’re concerned about being used for your money, then make sure you’re not always the one to pay.  If you think it may be sex, then don’t always have sex and see what happens.

Until you know for sure, I would caution you to not get too emotionally involved.  This means that you should not project onto him qualities which you think he has or wish he had. 

It also means that you should not daydream about a future with him.   Live in the present moment.  Your imagination is not your friend at the beginning of any relationship.   Don’t start fantasizing about how great it would be to live together, go to Hawaii or get married.  This will cause the relationship to go off balance and you may be reading more into it than there actually is.

At the same time, keep in mind that 5 years is not that big an age difference, especially these days.  I would barely consider you an older woman.

In the end, only time will tell whether it’s about loving you or using you. 

How to Meet People Online

How secure is to meet people online? If we compare the encounter in a disco or live, is certainly equally dangerous and equally simple. In theory, online dating should also ensure greater security for the very fact that permits the analysis of the good person you are talking about, before going to meet her. Here are some tips to make sure that the person we are courting one of the portals of meetings, is who claims to be, and, above all, will meet knowing that will not pass easily if they behave badly:

* After the first message online, ask for the cell phone number, and give the person to meet, a number of a SIM purchased specifically for these purposes. Include your telephone number online, can be counterproductive, because psychopaths are online, as they are in the world live.
* Advise the person before you meet her, that your best friend, knows who you are going out. In this way, you can be sure that the person in front of you, if you have nothing to hide, however, accept to see you.
* During courtship before the meeting, try to get information about personal lives and interests of the person. For example, if your suitor / her, has a blog, or website, is simply known by name. And 'just do a whois (http://www.whois.net) the domain of your site in order to know the identity and then make sure that the basic data that are accurate.

In short, be smart / ee improvised a little bit investigators (which adds thrilling whole issue), and do not regret it.

Broken Cougar Engagement

Dear Lucia,

I was in a year and a half relationship with a younger guy.  It just recently ended, and I think it was mostly due to my worrying about our age difference.  I continued to have so many doubts even after he would continue to reassure me that my age didn't matter.  

We were going to be engaged and I sabotaged that as well.  I felt we weren’t accepted socially, which was, I now realize, ridiculous.

I am really hurting but I wanted to tell my story and give women the confidence that I didn't have, so that they don't lose their relationship for the same reasons or end things before they have a chance to begin.  Lori

Dear Lori,

I’m sorry to hear that you are in so much pain, because it could have been avoided.  Older women/younger men relationships are not yet accepted by most people, but that’s no reason to avoid them.  If someone has a problem with this type of relationship, it’s their problem, not the couple’s problem.

I’ve made it my mission to make the “Cougar” lifestyle more socially acceptable so that people don’t have to feel embarrassed or ashamed because they are attracted to someone who is much older/younger.

As more and more people jump on the bandwagon, it will not be as taboo as it is today.  I believe in 5-10 years, these relationships will no longer be such a big deal. 

I'm Attracted to my Aunt!

Hi Lucia,

I am 24 years old and I am in love with a woman who is 42.  The thing is, she’s my aunt.  We have a very close friendship and I have fallen in love with her.  I don’t think she knows that.  I am afraid to tell her how I feel.  I can be myself when I am with her and she is so grown up.

I see her every weekend.  I make her a special dinner and we watch a movie.  She phones me sometimes during the week and says things like, “I can’t wait for this weekend.” or “Are you coming this weekend?  I miss you.”

I really want to take this relationship further.  I have my own place but I can just as well move in with her.  Must I stop seeing her?  Is this all wrong because she’s my aunt?  J.

Dear J,

I can certainly understand the allure of a beautiful, older woman, especially one who you can be yourself with.  However, you obviously know this is totally wrong, or you wouldn’t have written to me. 

You may think you’re in love with her, but it’s infatuation.  I can understand how you becoming infatuated with her, but she should know better.  Of course she knows you’re interested!  I’m sure she finds it flattering to have a young man so taken with her, but she is using bad judgment.

Do not move forward with this situation.  You cannot move in with her and you cannot have sex with her.  I know it’s going to be difficult, but nothing good can come of this situation.  If the family found out, at the very least, they would be very disappointed and upset.

If you prefer older women, then please find another one.  This one is off limits!