My Cougar Never Calls

Dear Lucia,

I am dating a 37 year old woman who I feel is leading me on... she always text messages me but never calls.  It seems as though if I don’t call her, she won’t stay interested.  How can I find out what she wants from me...I want something serious!  I don’t know how I should be to get her!! I am 29 and have always dated older women.  Louis

Dear Louis,

Ah yes, text messages - a double-edged sword.  They’re great for a quick communication when you can’t talk and a great way to avoid someone if you don’t want to talk

What does she want from you?  What every woman wants from a man – confidence and a bit of a challenge.  This is how you “should be”.  She probably senses your over-eagerness and lack of confidence.  These are never attractive qualities in either men or women. 

Since she is in her late 30’s, I’m assuming she is more traditional and wants to let the man do the pursuing.  She’s willing to show interest with the texts, but expects you to be the man and do the calling.   So continue pursuing her.  If she responds favorably and wants to see you, she’s interested.  If not, she’s not!  It’s that simple!

My Cougar Wants to get Serious

Hi Lucia,

I have a relationship that I want to last but I’m not sure if it can.  I’m a 20 year old male dating a 43 year old woman. We get along great, have an amazing sex life, but now she wants to get a lot more serious. I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to do that or not. What do you think?  Andy

Hi Andy

While I’m all for older women/younger men relationships, the age difference in this case is too great to even entertain the possibility of it becoming serious.  You were still a teenager only a year ago.  You have so much growing up to do and so many things to learn.  You cannot be tied down to anyone at this age.  I suggest you keep things as they are.  If she’s not happy with that, then she has some growing up to do.

Dating at 20 vs Dating at 40

Hi Lucia,

I believe that dating in your 40's needs to be treated in a completely different way then in your 20's.  What are your thoughts?  Joan

Hi Joan,

I acquiesce!  The 20’s is a time when you are still growing and maturing.  Scientists at the NIH campus in Bethesda, Md., have found that "the executive branch" of the teen brain — the part that weighs risks, makes judgments and controls impulsive behavior isn’t fully mature until age 25. 

This is a time to find out what you will or will not put up with in a partner, learn how to set boundaries and compromise.  If you want to get married and start a family, then you should only date partners that are good marriage material – although this is often easier said than done.  

 It’s also the time to cheat and be cheated on, so that you’ll understand both sides of the coin.  The 20s is a good time to have your heart broken – it makes you realize how fragile love can sometimes be and makes you humble.  This is the when you should make most of your dating mistakes.

If you are dating in their 40s, it usually means you’re divorced and may have a child or two.  The priority may no longer be marriage but simply finding a companion with shared interests, who is on the same wavelength mentally and emotionally.  If you have kids under 18, they are the priority and shouldn’t be introduced to anyone unless that person is going to be there long term.  

By now you’ve made most of your dating mistakes and the drama of relationships should be over.   You realize that cheating is not worth it and if you’re not happy you’ll speak up and try to remedy the situation or part on good terms. 

I Want to Settle Down

Hi Lucia,

I've just met another much younger guy (16yrs) and we’ve both fallen for each other. I want to settle down but I don't think I have found the right guy. I can't seem to be interested in guys my age or older than me.

I had an earlier relationship with another guy 25 years younger and he still wants to continue the relationship. I’ve kept away from him because he is too young, even though I still have feelings for him.

I want a man to settle down with and my honest feeling is he should NOT be much younger and at the same time he must be matured. I can't see myself with an older guy.

I want to know the difference between a "feeling" and "love".  Chi Chi

Hi Chi Chi,

Many people get into trouble because they base their decisions only on their feelings.  Think of your mind as the sky and feelings as clouds.  Just as clouds change and disappear from the sky, so it is with feelings.  They are always changing, that’s why you can’t use only feelings to make a decision about your future.

Love is based on respect and admiration.  You may have strong feelings or chemistry with someone, but you may not always respect them.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to settle down with a younger man, however I would advise you to pick someone over 30, if you are looking for something that has a better chance of going the distance.  As long as he is ready and willing to make a commitment, the fact that he’s younger should not be a problem.

Should I Stop Seeing My Cub?

Hi Lucia,

I'm an older woman who has been dating a 21 year old  guy for 3 months now.  It is an amazing connection.  However, I keep holding back because I feel concerned that he is so young and I wonder: what is the point to this?

He has no immediate plans for a serious relationship and while I would like one, I am not out there looking either. My relationships are not usually long-lasting!

He says he doesn't care about the age difference and does not hesitate to have me meet his mother. I have been putting that off.

Should I quit this amazing connection while I am ahead?  Lisa

Hi Lisa,

Guys go through 3 stages – knight, prince and king.  A knight is usually in his 20s, still finding out who he is, what he likes and what he wants to be when he grows up.

It is of course flattering to have such a young man attracted to you, however the attention span of people in their early 20s is not known for being very long. 

You should enjoy this while it lasts while also dating others, but the chances of it turning into a long term relationship are very low.

Disappearing Cubs?

Hi Lucia,

I seem to have the same pattern.  I meet younger guys (under 25) who seem very interested we go out.  They do and say the right things.   I don’t sleep around and usually wait 2 months.  However, suddenly they’re gone - no calls or texts.   I might text once to say hello but I don't chase guys or blow up their phones. This is nothing new and has been happening for years. Why does this keep happening to me?   Scarlett Marie

Hi Scarlett,

The answer to your question lies in your first sentence – they’re under 25.  These days, most guys under 25 are looking for sex first and possibly a relationship afterward..  Of course they act interested in the beginning – because they are- but they are interested in sex.  They are used to girls giving it up within the first 3 dates and if it doesn’t happen, unless there’s an emotional connection, they will move on.  Since you don’t have anything solid with them, they don’t feel the need to actually break up with you and that’s why you don’t hear from them anymore.

 If you're looking for something more solid, I would suggest you date guys above 25.

Non-confident Cougar

Hi Lucia,

I am 40 years old, dating a guy who is 31 and we are intending to get married. I don’t feel confident most of the time, because younger woman are attracted to him.  How can I gain confidence?  Mary

Hi Mary,

The number one reason guys say they are attracted to older women is confidence, so until you feel confident, do not even think about marrying your younger man, or it will not go well.  Although 9 years may seem like a big age difference to you, these days, it’s not that big!

He is interested in you because you have qualities which younger women don’t – maturity, life experience, no drama, sexual confidence.  He is dating you because of your age, not despite your age.  The fact that the two of you are intending to marry means he wants to be with you, not someone younger.  If he had wanted a younger woman, he would have gotten one. 

No matter who you’re with, at some point, another woman will find him attractive.  That’s just life.  Your job is to find someone who loves you so much that no matter who is attracted to him, he’s always happy to come home to you.