1. LISTEN, not hear. When you are listening, you are actively trying to hear something. Put the phone away, turn from the TV, food, computer and especially don't be thinking of what your going to say back as soon as they are done talking. Listen to the pitch in your partners voice as they vent about their day. Listen to their body language. Most of all listen to their energy. If you can tell when they aren't listening to you, then you know they can tell when you aren't listening to them.
2. Know what to say when you talk. Hang on don't throw your hands up in the air yet. There ARE ways to know what to say everytime. First, understand that everyones way of communication is very different. Quite literally a little girl has more brain area that is devoted to communication then a grown mans is. Second. Understand where they are coming from- you will know you listened effectively if you understand this part- and then respond from a place of love always. She just told you she thinks the way you fold laundry is dumb? Respond by communicating lovingly why you do it the way you do it. Can't fight the truth.
3. Teach them. This means simply when they are doing something that you feel isn't helping you communicate with them pause and get their attention and explain very nicely why you are finding it hard to communicate with them in that moment. Sometimes they might not even realize that you need them to be looking at you for you to feel connected.
4. Break your own bad communication habits. I've got this bad habit of texting when my husband is telling me about his day. One day he stopped talking and it took me a full 30 seconds to realize he was just staring at me waiting for my attention,(I know it was 30 because thats how long it takes my phone to send :) I saw then that my texting and trying to listen was nothing but vague hearing and fake communication noises- Mmmhhmm's and such. In that I am breaking pretty much every rule and the real kicker for me missing a whole day in my husbands life. Also, don't talk when you're irritated. Communication is a sticky thing, your angry words will stick and soak into your partner which usually in turn gets them frustrated which...then turns into fighting. If he is asking about your day but your still mad just let him know you're still trying to get over your irritation and that when it's passed you will tell him all. At this point the best diffuser anger I've found is to ask him lots of questions about his day and shift my bad energy from me and my stuff to finding out good stuff about his.
5. Timing, timing, timing. Don't have a heart to heart when intoxicated or in a rush. It just makes it worse. If there are extenuating circumstances make a deal to catch up when the timing is better, like in the morning. *Note: this is not to be confused with putting off talking- thats avoiding and it falls under rule 4 of being a bad habit.
Follow these, even go over them with your other half and get their input, that would be a great time to start practicing these rules and then go to my site by clicking HERE when you want to see more.
Keeping It New is a blog site dedicated to lowering the divorce rate by using research and others experiences.
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